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Osama's Latest Video Message (unedited version)

2006-01-02T19:21:00.000-08:00

NKF Scandal

2005-12-19T21:48:00.000-08:00

By Dicksy Foong The much anticipated audit report by independent accounting firm KPMG was finally revealed to the public during a press conference held jointly by the new NKF board and KPMG. If you thought you have heard the worst of the scandal, wait till you plough through the 300-plus pages of report detailing every sordid activities that went behind the public's and donors' back during the past few years. One of the biggest bombshells dropped during the press conference was the revelation that for every dollar donated to the old NKF, only 10 fucking cent actually went towards subsidising the patients' dialysis treatments. Damn cheebye right. This misleading of stats is only the tip of the iceberg. Besides grossly inflating the numbers of patients in its care as well as the cost incurred in the process, the reports also revealed that the running of the old NKF seems to resemble that of an imperial court in ancient China with much authority and clout accorded to the emperor which in this case is ex-CEO Mr TT Durai. There were no accountability with regards to any malpractices or misuse of public's funds. Bonuses and pay increments to cronies were flagrantly approved with no sign of the slightest protest or questioning from the inept Board of Directors. It would certainly appear-based on the report, that large chunks of lavish entitlements and benefits were enjoyed only by a small circle of people consisting of Senior managements, "special friends" of the old NKF and the entire board of directors. "Special friend" Ah Lim gets yet another salary increment The manipulation and decieving ploys employed by the old NKF certainly did not go down well with Singaporeans, with a few baying for their bloods. Said Ah Heng, a "financial advisor" with financial firm Geylang 361, "Nabeh phua cheebye, nabeh phua cheebye, NABEH PHUA CHEEBYE UNDERSTAND! Ah Neh don't let me or my brudders see you in Geylang otherwise we will Ka-chaaaa your lan jiao and feed it to bobby! All my brudders are on standby for any sightings of you cheebye!" Brudders of Geylang 361 on standby Bobby eagerly awaits his 'sausage' As the full extent of the nefarious dealings of the old NKF become clearer, former cronies and past associates have started acting blur and pushing responsibilities to each other in an attempt to shield themselves from any legal proceedings that might arises, with crony #1 Richard Yong, former chairman of the old NKF firing the first salvo. Mr Yong, thinking he could avoid any possible prosecution from the authorities by implicating SM Goh's wife, indicated that Mrs Goh had all along known and had endorsed the salary of former CEO Mr TT Durai without voicing any concerns during her stint as Patron of NKF. He said that had she done so, the board would have seriously consider her opinions and make the necessary amendments. However when asked for her clarification to that, Mrs Goh only quipped "Durai who?" Smart bitch. agu agu agu. Gu your head understand! More finger-pointing followed with Mr Durai swiftly shifting blames and responsibilties to his ex-colleagues when he stand accused for the botched contracts with Forte Systems and Protonweb, worth a total $7.5 million. He attributed the mistakes to the deputy head of the technology department, crony #2 Mr Jayaraman and crony #3 Mr Alwyn Lim, vice-chairman of the old NKF. Not to be outdone, Mr Jayaraman and Mr Alwyn promptly blamed Mutu and Hock San for their lapse in judgements on both of these instances, who by the way, are cleaners at NKF. Former senior managements of NKF have taken to a new hobby with much gutso Within the confine of the NKF building in Kim Keat road, there were also feelings of bewilderment, anger and a sense of betrayal by NKF staff when presented with details of the report on Monday. The mood was in much contrast to the previous one in July. Then, mobs of NKF staff were seen sobbing openly as they bade farewell to their former boss without even realising that their boss has taken them on a ride of a lifetime at their own expense. Regrets and disappointments were the words uttered most often by the staff when asked about their views on the matter. Whoooppeeee!!! (Rides courtesy of the old NKF management) Meanwhile, at a just concluded press conference held to present their views on the NKF scandal, Health Minister Khaw Boon Wan took offence with criticisms from the media when they suggested that the Ministry has been negligent in discharging its duties. This was due to the fact that the Ministry of Health had failed to act on the NKF despite receiving tip-offs from various anonymous sources over the years. To that accusation, Mr Khaw replied defiantly," It's anonymous what!" But he later apologised for his outburst and promised to clean up whatever there's need to be clean and to undertake several drastic measures in the next three months so that the public's confidence towards the new NKF and other charity boards could be restored. Health Minister Mr Khaw not responding well to criticisms. As more dirts are dug up by the Commercial Affairs Division and Corrupt Practice Investigation Bureau over the next few days, we can be sure that the angry feelings on the ground would most likely swelled and retaliation in the form of cancelled donations would most certainly be directed against the new NKF. The repercussion of this fall out unfortunately would be borne by the hundreds of kidney patients who are but mere helpless victims caught up in this needless debacle.

This has been a report undertaken by CheekyByNature's special project desk.

Star Awards 2005

2005-12-05T19:48:00.000-08:00

Star Awards, the annual glitzy event that celebrate all that are bad and mediocre about our entertainment industry is upon us once again. Accepting an invitation from Mediacorp, CheekyByNature sent its resident bitch, Kate Wong our showbiz reporter down to Caldecott Hill to cover the event. Below is the story she filed back. Zoe Tay hijacked Star Awards Report by Kate Wong If there's two words to describe this year Star Awards, the words are "Zoe Tay". From appearing out of nowhere to hug a startled Chen Hanwei to hijacking Christopher Lee's "thank you" speech and finally upstaging her co-presenter by babbling incessantly about her son, Zoe Tay surely represented all that's bad about Singaporeans' mannerism. And that's pretty well sum up what's to be said about the most prestigious media event in tiny Singapore. Not being contended to be just the Queen, Aunty Zoe took it upon herself to play the role of the resident Jester of Caldecott Hill by malu-ing herself in front of thousands of TV audiences not once, not twice but thrice, much to the astonishment and despair of Mediacorp's senior managements. "Scandalous" was what one senior management said to this reporter. So irritating and bothersome were Aunty Zoe's antics that Bala, a sixty years old Mediacorp's security guard deemed it fit to shove a certain part of his anatomy into her mouth just to shut her up. Stay Bala stay. While your intention was commendable, the size is all wrong. It's far too flaccid for that big mouth of her's. The crowd moaned as Aunty Zoe made yet another unannounced appearance When queried by the reporter about his wife's unglam behaviour, Philip, her pilot husband merely quipped:" Zoe has been a very bad girl tonight. She's going to get some 'Apache treatments' from me when she gets home." Well, whatever you do Philip, just go easy on the spanking as her skin is no longer as taut as before. Hur hur. Asked to comment on Zoe Tay's behaviour, a C-list artiste who requested not to be named for fear of offending the Queen chipped in," That siao char bo took too much cha cha cha pills until she become siao ding dong liao. Face it man, she's way over the hill and rolling down the slope fast." C-list Artiste who asked not to be named (but he never said cannot publish his photo) ," Zoe Tay is over the hill and rolling down the slope fast." Attempts to reach Christopher Lee and Fann Wong were in vain as the couple were quickly escorted off into a waiting van after the event. But according to an eyewitness Mr Chia, Christopher Lee was held back by minders from attempting a left hook to Aunty Zoe's face backstage. "Frankly speaking, Singaporeans in general don't really give a hoot on when these two lovebirds are going to get married. We just want to see a goddamn slug fest among the Artistes", added Mr Chia jovially, no doubt playing a part in antagonising the already precarious situation. Eyewitness Mr Chia," Christopher Lee was trying to land a left hook to Zoe Tay's face ala Mike Tyson". Zoe Tay's friend of more than 10 years, Chen Han Wei was understandably more forgiving towards her antics and seek the media's help not to be too harsh and critical on his good pal. "When a woman reached her menopause, it goes without saying she can act a bit weird. I hope the media can give her a little space to breath", begged the newly crowned 'Best Actor', rib cage still sore from the sudden hurling of two lumps of human fresh at him. Aside from the furore created by Aunty Zoe, the people who have reaped the most rewards from this year Star Awards are ex-Mediaworks lackeys, Bryan Wong and Quan Yi Feng who each took home two awards. This evidently squashed any rumours of behind the scene manoeuvre by senior exes to deny the duo of claiming their well deserved prizes although a Mediacorp senior exec was overheard saying," No big deal, there's still plenty of time to play around with them. Huhuhuh". According to well placed sources, plans are underway to send the duo to Iraq to film a new variety programme. When asked to verify the source, the same senior exec declined comments but merely smiled sheepishly which only seemed to reinforce the notion. Mediacorp senior exec's reaction when asked to verify reports on sending Bryan Wong and Quan Yi Feng to Iraq to film a new variety programme. Apart from winners, this year Star Awards also highlighted the same perpetual losers from previous years and no one exemplify this loser group more aptly than Henry Thia, a loser for the sixth straight year. When asked how he felt about not getting an award - again, our dear Henry merely shrugged his shoulder and lament,"There's still next year". Well of course there's next year Henry, and next next year and next next next year and you are still not going to win any award. "There's still next year". Right Henry and pigs will fly too. If there's any indication that this year Star award was a real bore, there's no better representative to that than our very own President, Mr SR Nathan who was caught dozing off on several occasions during the live broadcast, a claim vehemently denied by his aide. "His excellency was not napping. He just happened to have droopy eyelids!", insisted the aide. When asked again about the President's loud snoring. the aide snapped back,"He had a blocked nose goddamit!". A good friend of the President But whatever snoring and droopy eyelids that His Excellency had, all this was cast aside the minute sexpot Christy Chung made her grand appearance to present an award. The temperature in the auditorium went up a few notches as Christy Chung sashayed her well endowed bosoms to the front followed by the rest of her. Her sexy appeal was felt instantly as men in the auditorium shifted in their seats in unison with a few making trips to the restroom in quick succession. The presentation was going well until our Aunty Zoe hijacked the presentation from the lascivious Christy. Shouts of "Bitch" and "Whore" were blatantly ignored as our Queen continued on her one woman crusade to irritate the hell out of everyone which plenty much concludes how the night ended.

Encik Tan has something to say

2005-11-22T20:28:00.000-08:00

Lim peh is fucking angry right now. Do you know why Lim Peh is fucking angry. Because of this guy call Melvyn Tan. This fucker, according to the newspaper, defaulted on his NS and he was only punished with a fine. A fine. Can you believe it? Just a fucking fine. Back in my time, when you want to try to play with the system, you better standby one big tub of jello 5-O to lubricate your ass because when the system fuck you up, it really fuck you up real hard. Dun play play eh. To tell you the truth, our armed forces are really getting softer and softer each year. No kidding. That's why asshole like Melvyn Tan can get away so lightly. You just have to take a look at our batch of recruits each year. A bunch of sissy I tell you. The number of chao keng recruits keep increasing every year. I remember one year when I was the CSM of a Pes C platoon during BMT. Can vomit blood eh I tell you. A Pes C platoon if you dun know consists of all the chao keng recruits with all sorts of fucking medical problems, mostly exaggerated thanks to the specialists they were paying. By military law, these fuckers cannot be tekan, otherwise Lim Peh has to go DB. These fuckers, tell them do something can come up with a lot of fucking excuses. I remember one instance when I ordered one recruit from this platoon to drop me 10. The faggot looked at me and said, "Sorry Encik, but I excused hand." So I said neber mind and ordered the faggot recruit to run and touch a tree and come back. The faggot recruit looked at me again and said, "Sorry Encik, but I also excused legs." Kanninah, so I asked him got excuse mouth or not. He said no. So I ordered him to open his fucking mouth and give me a blow job. Then you know what he did? The fucker immediately drop 50 for me, no question ask. Talk about chao keng. Nowadays I tell you, the army is being slowly taken over by all these scholars from famous overseas university. Cambridge lah, Harvard lah. One thing I hate about these scholars is they a lot of patterns, talk a lot of cock but no substance one. They even dare to talk back - but only to non commissioned officers like me lah. The fucking brains from HQ even come up with this lan jiao idea to have a scholar platoon for every batch during BMT. They said must group all our smartiest brain in one platoon and nurture them to be SAF future leaders. Future leaders? Lan Jiao understand. More like monkeys I tell you. Did you see the way some of these scholars did their push-ups. Sibeh gu niang siah. Got one time, I saw this officer cadet who is also a president scholar doing his push-ups in the training shed. I walked up to him and told him to apologise to the floor. The fucker looked at me with a blur look and ask me why. So I smiled and asked him if his girlfriend was kena fuck by somebody for no fucking reason, will he get angry and demand an apology. The fucker said yes he will and he will also beat the crap out of the guy. Then I asked him in that case shouldn't he say sorry to the floor too because he was also fucking it for no apparent reason. The fucking scholar eyes big big stared at me and face turned red. I see already also no mood to eat. I remember another instance when I ordered this scholar recruit to run and touch a tree. Don't ask me why, but SAF like to ask recruits to run and touch a tree. It's a tradition. Anyway, this fucker asked me why. So I said because I fucking said so. Then this fucker cocked his head and asked " Why? What purpose does it serve if I run and touch a tree?" Lan jiao understand. Dare to question my authority. So I told him running and touching the tree serve the same purpose as scratching my balls. Because it make me feel shiok can? But the fucker don't buy my idea. He went to the OC, who by the way is also a scholar, and report me for mistreatment. I don't want to say much lah, but I kena 5 extras from that incident. Sometimes when I see our generals standing next to those generals from Indonesia and Thailand, I feel embarrased. Why? Because our generals look like mummy boys standing next to men. You see those Indonesia general, with their bulging muscles, crew cut and tanned military look and then you look at ours. Can cry eh I tell you. Other people generals inspire respect, ours inspire laughter. I tell you, SAF got no real men already, all the real men kena court martial and thrown into jail liao like those three commandos. Poor thing. You may wonder then why Lim Peh is still serving in the army after all the bad things I said about the army. I tell you why - because i love my country *eyes brim with tears*. I love my country so much that I'm willing to dedicate my whole life to protecting it. I love my country so much that I'm willing to accept all the craps that comes with this sacred duty. I love my country so much that . . . . . actually no lah, I serve in the army because I cannot find a job outside. Haha.

-Disclaimer aka cover our backside-

Encik Tan is currently a Sergeant Major in the Army. All the views stated here belongs to Encik Tan and him alone. This blog has absolutely no input whatsoever with regards to this article. In fact, we don't even know Encik Tan personally. We might have bump into each other on the streets or beo his daughter a few times, but that's about it.

The one about "cheebye face"

2005-11-10T20:31:00.000-08:00

Cheeky met up with one of his mates last Friday for some late night drinking. The mate, Ronald, was lamenting to cheeky his difficulty in landing a proper job in the industry he wanted and had studied three years for – PR and Marketing. Now Ronald is a nice and amiable bloke, eloquent with a good sense of humour thrown in and armed with a good degree from NUS. By right there should be no lack of suitors hankering for his services after he graduated. But by left, this is sadly not the case. Ronald was literally tearing his hairs out trying to figure out the reason behind his unsuccessful jobs hunt. However to cheeky, the reason to his predicament is pretty obvious. Ronald has what is commonly refer to as a “cheebye face”. "A what? ", you might ask. A “cheebye face”, my dear readers, a “cheebye face”. By now, you should be feeling tempted to follow up by asking cheeky, “what the fuck is a “cheebye face?"”. To answer the question, cheeky would like you to close your eyes and dig through the memories that are lodged in the deep recesses of your puny brain. Ask yourself, have you ever seen a person for the very first time and suddenly developed this niggling urge to rain blows onto his face for no apparent reason? If you do, you are suffering from the effect of having seen a “cheebye face”. A “cheebye face” simply put, attract punches the same way a piece of shit attract flies. Anyway, back to Ronald. If it’s not for the fact that he has been cheeky’s childhood friend since the age of five and having grown attuned to his looks all these years, cheeky would have beaten the crap out of him the first time he saw him. Right then, cheeky was trying to think of a nice way to convey this message to him. That he has a “cheebye face”. That it’s not his fault. That he can forget about landing a job in the PR sector because no PR firms worth their salts are ever going to hire someone with a “cheebye face” like his. Cheeky: Dude, have you thought of going into some other lines Ronald: Dude, you know me. You know there’s only one job that I ever wanted. Cheeky: Yes I know dude. But dude, maybe you should find jobs that are solitary in nature and doesn’t require too much interaction with people. You know like eh . . . like eh . . . like a monk? Ronald: Dude, are you saying I’m ugly? Cheeky: No no no, you are not ugly. You are just . . . how do I put it? Ronald: Fuck it man. Just spit it out. Cheeky: You have a cheebye face. Ronald: What? Cheeky: You have a cheebye face. Ronald: A what? Cheeky: A cheebye face. Ronald: A what again? Cheeky: A . . CHEEEEEE-BYEEEE-FACEEEEE Ronald: What the fuck is that? Cheeky passed him the magazine he was reading and pointed out a few pictures to him After that, Ronald began sobbing uncontrollably. It’s understandable. It’s like Aids. You never think it will happen to you, but when it does, the truth and shame are just too much to bear. But even though life dealt you a bad hand, it’s still possible you can win a game of poker with a pair of twos, can’t you. And that was precisely what Cheeky proceeded to tell Ronald. That although the people in the pixs that were shown to him might be jinxed with “cheebye faces”, but it’s also a fact that they are enjoying success in their own respective careers which coincidently are all in the entertainment industry. A coincidence that Ronald has taken note and planning to act on because he told cheeky later that he's joining the next season of Singapore Idol even though he can’t sing to save his life. Assignments We have talked in length about “cheebye face” but how much of it do you really understand anyway. To gauge your understanding of the topic, try the following questions: 1. Take a look at the following picture. Can you identify which member of the Faggot 4 has a "cheebye face"?

2. Explain in not more than 500 words, why "cheebye face" are more commonly found in men than in women.

3. Who in your opinion has a "cheebye face" in Singapore blogosphere (excluding Cheeky of course).

Please do not confuse Cheeky with other people

2005-11-04T04:18:00.000-08:00

So sorry for the lack of updates, Cheeky has been lying low for the past few weeks (on the bed with his girl no less, hur hur). The reason being, the amount of threatening emails cheeky received has more than tripled since the two bloggers were charged and jailed for making seditious comments on the internet. Anyway, cheeky would like to reassure everyone that his balls were shaken but not stirred by the whole saga and he will be back blogging on a regular basis soon. The next purpose of this post is to clear up some confusions. Beside receiving threatening emails, cheeky has also been receiving weird emails in the last few days. Something about a Halloween Party held recently. It seems that people has mistaken cheeky for someone else, someone by the nick "paikia". Let cheeky states that he has not gone to any party let alone met up with fellow bloggers. In fact the only party he went on that day was the one organised by his girls in his bedroom, we had a S&M theme for it, but that's another story. To conclude, Cheeky is Cheeky, paikia is paikia and never the two shall meet. Cheeky hopes that this clear up any misunderstanding. If you still have any doubts, kindly send me an email cheekyblogger@yahoo.com. Who the fuck is this paikia anyway. Got his photo or not? To have a better idea on how cheeky looks like, he actually a cross between +

P.s: Please wipe off your drools before you leave.

P.s.s: Somebody has also listed this blog as his own on friendster which of course is not true.

P.s.s.s: Somebody also leave messages on tagboard using Cheeky's identity and his blog URL. Which again is not true. Cheeky has never left comments on any tagboards.

P.s.s.s.s: Damned cheebye hor these people.

Cleo's 50 Most Eligible Bachelors (The Kana Sai Edition)

2005-09-23T04:50:00.000-07:00

Name: Agugu Mutomobi Age: 25 Nationality: Nigerian Occupation: Fucked up S-League football player How long have you been in Singapore? 3 fucking years What made you decides to come to Singapore? Civil war and famine at home. Which part of your body are you most proud of? My cock. Whoa ho. Steady lah brudder. Why? Because it's damn long! Duh. Which part of your body do you most want to change then? My cock. Again? Why? I want it to be longer! Duh. Very greedy. What about your favourite colour? White. It has been my dream since childhood. Criterias you look for in a woman. Must be white. As white as Nicole Kidman. Favourite Singaporean food? All the food here sucks! Favourite phrase? Agugu ain't taking no shit from anyone! Ya hear me!? Boxer or brief? Brief. XXXL. Sibeh show-off. Describe yourself in 3 words. Mine's the longest! Name: Lu Xiang Age: 30 Nationality: Chinese Occupation: Foreign Talent Which part of China were you from? Guangdong You must be damn good in table-tennis. Eh no. Then you must be damn good in badminton. Eh . . also no. Then what the fuck are you doing here in Singapore? I'm actually a teacher. Ooooooo. A teacher sia. Right. I'm actually teaching Chinese at one of the primary schools here. Favourite phrase? 同学们早. Hahaha Are you trying to crack a joke? Eh . . . yes. Why? Don't do that again. Your joke is painful to hear. Eh . . . ok Boxer or brief? I don't think it's nice to answer such question. Boxer or brief? Eh . . . I don't feel comfortable answering it. Boxer or brief? Eh . . . BOXER OR BRIEF? Eh . . .Brief Criterias you look for in a woman? All the qualities that can be found in my wife. Wife? Yah. My wife? You are married!? Eh . . . yes Cheebye lah. Waste my time. Name: NUS guy Age: 23 Nationality: Singaporean Occupation: Full time undergraduate Favourite past time? IRC. Can make friends with a lot of xiao mei mei. What do you think is your main weakness? I think I'm too fucking handsome liao although no fault of mine. Have to reject a lot of girls. Sure bor? Of course lah asshole. Do you know that whenever I entered a room, all the clitoris in the room will twitch like siao. Sigh. Women, have some self restraint lah. Favourite phrase? Intro pl. Boxer or brief? Crocodile with double elastic bands. It's my favourite brand and offer ample support. Ample meh? What did you say? Never mind. Criterias you look for in a woman? Sweet and cute and must take good care of me. Describe yourself in 3 words Suave, sexy, sophisicated Ever watched Fear Factor? Of course not lah. Fucking stupid show. You see all those fucking morons doing fucking stupid things on the show. Absolutely moronic I tell you. You won't ever find me going there as a contestant, not even for a million dollars. Don't have to. You are the "Fear Factor" Nabeh cheebye! Name: Valentine Marcello Age: 25 Nationality: American Occupation: Foreign Talent So Valentine, whose Singaporean's ricebowl have you snatched lately? Pardon? Nothing. How long have you been in Singapore? About a year now. What makes you decides to come to Singapore? My mates told me the women here are easy. You can pretty much score a few "homeruns" every week effortlessly, if you know what I mean. Hur hur. What's your view on the Singapore male in general? Pathetic. A bunch of sorry wimps. I can't imagine how much they can whine day in day out. No wonder your birth rate are plummeting. I say, take a back seat you bunch of sorry ass and let big daddy takes over the duty of populating this country. Ouch. Surely there must be some redeeming factor from us? Sure. Your redeeming factor is that you lot suck so much, all your women come frolicking to us instead. Hur hur. You see the dustbin by the corner? Ya why? Ever got shove by something that large up your ass? Never. Eh . . . why do you ask? Relax dude, just asking. Boxer or brief? Depends on whether I'm getting any "action" that day. Hur Hur. Criterias you look for in a woman? A pair of big titillating peaks and a rear so fine and inviting that make mounting it so much pleasurable. Hur hur hur. Describe yourself in 3 words. Spectacular in bed. Name: Ah Heng Age: 38 Nationality: Singaporean Occupation: Branch leader of Geylang 361 What is Geylang 361? It's a gang lah cheebye! Can you clarify? Is it a gang or a cheebye? I'm getting confused. Nabeh, trying to be funny is it!? Just joking lah. Favourite colour? Ang lah. Favourite phrase? Kwa simi lan Boxer or brief? Simi brief? Simi boxer? Underwear say underwear lah. Kanninabeh. Describe yourself in 3 words. Simi? Describe yourself in 3 words Are you ok? Do you need an aspirin? It's ok if you decide to skip this question. Thank U You are welcome. By the way, do you see that Ang Moh over there? He just called you a wimp. Nabeh phua cheebye!!! Go make Geylang 361 proud. You Da Man!

(P.s: if you think Cheeky is actually going to write 50 bachelors, you must be mad. Where got time)

Bush, Hu and a fucked up Interpreter

2005-09-16T06:08:00.000-07:00

George Bush, President of the United States of America Hu Jing Tao, President of the People's Republic of China Damn fucked up Singaporean Interpreter Somewhere in the myriad of hallways and rooms in the White House, the presidents of the 2 most dynamics and influential countries the world have ever seen . . . so far, are drawn deep in an intellectual discussion with a Singaporean Interpreter by their side. Bush: First of all, please tell Mr Hu that I'm feel honoured by his visit here to the United States and that he has a very lovely wife. I sincerely hope that we could come out with a mutual beneficial pact with regards to today's discussion. Singaporean Interpreter: Mr Bush 说很谢谢你过来. 还有他说你的老婆 sibeh 正点。他还说希望今天的 meeting 双方可以 happy happy 出来。 Hu Jing Tao: 跟他说谢谢。他的女人也挺不赖。 Interpreter: He said thank you. Your wife also damn tok kong. Bush: Ok lets get down to serious business, first on my agenda concern North Korea. I'm very concern about their nuclear development. It seems that they are hell bent on producing nuclear weapons. This has serious repercussion on both the Korean peninsula and the world at large. If Kim Jong Il decides to back out of the six nations talk or try to sabotage the summit by renouncing the nuclear non-proliferation treaty, the United States will not hesitate to use its military for the sake of maintaining the "well being" of the region. I hope China, as its closest ally can do its part as a responsible world citizen by persuading North Korea to ditch their nuclear program. Interpreter: Nabeh so long. (turning to Hu Jing Tao) Bush 说他很担心 North Korea。他说如果 North Korea 还要 die die 弄他们的 nuclear hor, sorry hor, 他 bo pian 只好用force liao。你身为他们的 buddy 应该好好劝他们改过自新,重新做人。叫他们丢掉他们的 nuclear weapons. Hu: 告诉布什我可以体会他的困扰和焦虑, 可是凡是都要冷静些, 不然会误了大事。什么事情都可以事先商量。 Interpreter: Mr Hu tell you to be steady a bit. Every thing can cham siong one. Bush: I believe more in action than in talk. I'm willing to give Kim and his regime another chance. However, if he blows it off again, he will have to face the consequences. The United States has a limit to its patience. Interpreter: Bush 说他会给 Kim 多一次机会 but 如果他再乱搞的话, ah base to him liao. Bush:Next on my agenda is Taiwan. I understand China is rapidly building and modernizing their military. However, to Mr Hu, I like to reiterate United States concrete commitment to Taiwan. Taiwan is a close ally of the United States and if ever any countries try to use force to invade our friend, our armed forces will be swiftly despatched to counter this aggression. We have ample nuclear weapons you know. Interpreter: 他说 Taiwan 是他们的 brudder. 如果有谁敢对他们的 brudder 怎么样, 他两粒原子弹送给他们 wor. Hu: 他想吓我吗? 跟他说我是从小被吓大的! 想吓我, 门都没有. 原子弹? 我们中国多到可以当球踢! Interpreter: Hu said he from small scared big one. You want to scare him, door also don't have understand. Atomic bomb? He said they have so many, they use it as footballs wor. Bush: Whatever. But tell him in the event of a war, the United States will not hesitate to stick it through to the very end to protect our friends, even at our own expense. Interpreter: Bush 说随便 lah. But if 打起战的话, 他们会 tong 到底. Bush: I also understand that the Chinese authority has unlawfully detained 2 American journalists since last year citing that both posed a security threat to the country. I want Mr Hu to explain on what ground were they being detain for. Frankly speaking, this incident says alot about the dire plight of human rights in China, which is clearly a shame and a disappointment. China's behaviour in this case are in my opinion, no different from thugs. Interpreter: Bush 说你们很 kuai lan. 去年敢敢把两个美国记者抓了起来。他很不爽, 你们凭什么抓他们。你们跟 sumseng 有什么不同?跟 monkey 有什么不同? 你们简直就是畜生嘛! Kaninnah. Hu: 哈哈哈....他想跟我谈人权? 真是可笑。美国就是这样, 喜欢说一套做一套。请问是哪一个国家在这几年内开了最多次战争? 想跟我谈人权? 我呸!!! Interpreter: Hu Jing Tao say America damn cheebye one leh. Always like to say one thing then do another. You want to talk about human rights? KA PUI understand! Bush: I have no wish to start an argument with him now but the United States will try everything within its rights to try to secure the release of the 2 journalists. I hope he understand that. Interpreter: (to Hu) 他不想跟你吵, but 他会想办法 try to 把两个记者弄出来。 Bush: Ok, last on my agenda today concern the pegging of their currency to ours. They have pegged their currency way too low. This has resulted in cheap chinese good flooding our markets at the expense of our own manufacturers. This has to stop. I strongly demand that China revalue their currency otherwise, we might have to take drastic action against them for the sake of protecting our own enterprises and industries. Interpreter: Ok, 他 roughly 是这样讲的 lah。他很buay song。你们的 currency 真的是 peg 得太低 liao, 影响到他们自己的 industries. 如果你们不 adjust 你们的 currency 的话, 他们 bo pian, 只好 take action liao. Hu: 很抱歉。关于这个问题我很难答应他的要求。 Interpreter: He said sorry. No talk. At this moment, Dick Cheney happens to enter the room. Hu Jing Tao is momentarily dazed by the sight of Dick Cheney. As Dick leaves, he turns and gives a naughty wink to Hu Jing Tao. A leering smile gradually appears on Hu Jing Tao's face. Bush: Ok, I might be interpreting this wrongly. But if Mr Hu is willing to give my currency proposition another thought, maybe . . . just maybe I could arrange for my Vice president to pass by his room tonight. Interpreter: Kaninnah sibeh gross. (turning to Hu) Ok Mr Hu, Bush 说如果您肯再考虑他的 proposition 的话, 刚才那个老鬼今晚让你上。 Hu: 是真的吗? Interpreter: (To Bush) sure bor? Bush: Yeah sure sure. Hu is stroking his chin and smiling sheepishly to himself. Hu: Hmm... 可以考虑, 不过有一个条件。他必须今晚穿成这样来见我。 Interpreter: Wah kao! Hu 先生, 你他妈的 sibeh kinky hor. (to Bush) The perv say can consider. But old man must wear like this to his room tonight. Bush: O...kay. Consider it done. As a measure of goodwill, I will throw in a pair of handcuffs as well. Interpreter: (snickering) Wah Hu 先生, 你这个老变态, 你很 lucky leh. Bush 答应你的要求。他还刻意 add 了一双手铐送给你, 好让你和 Mr Cheney 可以玩到爽。 Hu: Thank you Mr Bush. Interpreter: Wah Kao, Hu 先生, 他只不过送你一双手铐你就开始讲 English liao ah. 如果他送你一个 vibrator 的话, 你不是马上会讲 Tamil liao。你真的是个老 cheebye. Hu: 都不知道你在说些什么? Bush: Ok Mr Hu, with that I like to conclude today discussion. It has been quite fruitful. (to interpreter) Please ask him whether he agree with me that you are a damn fucked up interpreter. Without the need of the interpreter, Hu Jing Tao nods his head vigorously. Interpreter: Both of you are really kanninah chao cheebye.

The Art of Cussing

2005-08-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

Lately some ang moh friends of cheeky has been pestering him to teach and enlighten them on the correct usage of local obscenities. Dear ang moh friends, you found the right person. Cheeky don’t profess to be an expert but he does possesses the bare necessities like all Singaporeans to spew a mean expletives laden sentence with the slight twirl of his tongue as and when the occasion calls for it. So all you chao ang mohs, shut up, slouch back (like you always do) and try to take in what cheeky is about to teach you. If you are observant enough, you will find out that the swear words use in the local context consist of the same few terms. Cheeky will just try to point out a few to you, the rest are more or less the same. 1) Hong Kan Means “ Want to get fuck is it!?” Commonly use when one is frustrated or things seem to be not going your way. Eg. (To the taxi driver) Hong Kan lah! I tell you to go by PIE not SLE lah! 2) Lan Chiao Means “penis”. Usually use as an ‘appetiser’ prior to the ‘main course’. Eg. My $500 still haven’t return, you dare to borrow more money from me! Lan Chiao understand! 3) Cheebye The mother of all obscenities. The local equivalent of “cunt”. Widely used and highly favoured by Singaporean of all ages, genders, races and religions. Can be used as a noun or an adjective. Sibeh versatile. Eg. (noun). Hey Cheebye, you want a piece of me? Eg, (adjective). Hey you cheebye bastard, you want a piece of me? Cheebye can also be used in tandem with words like “Chao”, “Kanninabu” and “Ni Nabeh” (just to list a few) to deliver a more devastating punch. Eg. Kanninabu Chao Cheebye Ni Nabeh Cheebye Once you are acquainted and familiarise with these local expletives, don’t be a smug ass and go around spewing them. Cussing is an art form and different kinds of people deserve different kinds of expletives. So before you start spitting out your “cheebyes” and “nabehs”, it would be wise to take a look at your intended victim. For instance, imagine you are waiting for the train during peak hour. The train arrive, the doors open and as you step in, some god damn fucker deliberately elbow you in the face just to grab that last elusive seat. By then, you must be simmering with rage and are about to spew out your favourite expletives. Don’t! Take a moment first to suss out who the fucker is before proceeding further with the appropriate swearing. Example: If the fucker resemble someone like her, a simple "Ni Nabeh" will do. Your intention is to cuss, I say again, to cuss, not trigger a heart attack. No need to give face. But she's a lady after all, so a "Ni Nabeh Cheebye" will be sufficient enough to unsettle her and cause her to think twice about pissing you off. Brudders and sista, magazine of infinity rounds load and ready. Skinny and vulnerable looking scumbag like him deserve nothing but the best that local obscenities can offer. KANNINABU LAOPEH LAN CHIAO CHAO CHEEBYE understand! Say sorry and proceed to wipe the seat clean for him to sit, after that just fuck off.

A typical memo for the President on a typical day

2005-08-25T01:54:00.000-07:00

Good Morning Your Excellency, hope you had a good night sleep. Don’t worry, you are still the president of this beloved country we called "home", and I'm glad to inform you that there are no signs of any demonstrations or protests with respect to your legitimacy to the office. To start off your day, please take a moment to look through this memo and make the approriate decisions to some of the points listed. No hurry. Just take your time since you have plenty of it. 1) The Chan family is seeking your presidential pardon for their son who is on death row for drug trafficking. Please circle one of 2 appropriate choices.

2) Andrew Kuan’s supporters are burning your effigy outside the Istana again. Your prestige is at stake. What should be done? Please circle the most appropriate course of action. a) Release the hounds b) Enact the Internal Security Act and lock up these lot of buggers c) Practice tolerance for the time being since the majority of the public thinks your presidency is a sham.

3) You are due for another full medical checkup at Raffles Hospital this afternoon. Doctor Albert reckons it’s time to stick the probe up your ass this time round. Yes, I know it’s degrading and uncomfortable, but please Sir, it’s for your own good.

4) How would you like to buy your 4D this weekend? a) $20 Big $20 Small b) $50 Big $50 Small c) $100 Big $100 Small

5) Your DVDs for "Sex and the City" (The uncensored version) has arrived. The Custom and Immigration department has been advised to close one eye and keep mum. Don’t worry, the DVDs are kept well hidden from your wife. ;-)

6) The following websites has been making disparaging remarks about you and your presidency. Our team of hackers is on standby and can be called upon to act in less than 2 hours. They only need the word from you Sir. http://www.sammyboy.com/ http://www.talkingcock.com/ http://www.singabloodypore.blogspot.com/

7) You are to host an informal dinner function for a few corrupted politicians from some fucked up third world African country. Please select your preferred choice of attire. (Models not included, if you know what I mean. *wink wink*)

Just kidding abou choice (d) sir. :-D

8) TT Durai has been persistently trying to seek an audience with you. He kept saying, “A Hindu should help another Hindu” or something along that line. So how? a) Arrange a closed door meeting with him b) Ignore him

9 )We found discrepancies in some of the Government’s transactions. What should we do? a) Act blur b) What b? Haha.

10) Dinky is sick again. :-( No Sir, he’s not one of your grandsons. He’s your pet dog.

11) Your Mandarin tutor has been very please with your progress. He suggested having you take the PSLE this year to gauge your proficiency against the rest. 12) The Straits Times has asked for an exclusive interview next month. We have requested Sumiko Tan to be the interviewer knowing your fetish for all things japs. Don’t need to thank me Sir. Just doing my job.

13) The NKF has asked your wife to be their patron for the next few years. Personally Sir, I think it’s a good idea. Her excellency will have activities to fill up her time and most importantly you will have her off your back for a few hours each day. It’s a win win situation. And Mrs Goh has given her blessing for this arrangement although she seemed to be clenching her teeth while saying it.

14) The prime minister is peeved. You have failed to report to him for 2 days straight. I foresee a lot of pacifying and balls fondling Sir.

End of memo

美人鱼 My ASS

2005-07-20T05:30:00.000-07:00

Cheeky is in a very bad mood now because some bugger came and spoiled his day earlier on. You see cheeky was happily doing some shopping along orchard road when some motherfucka bugger approached cheeky and hassled him to no end for no motherfucka reason.

Bugger: Can you help me find 美人鱼? Cheeky: Simi? Bugger: 美人鱼. I want to find 美人鱼 Cheeky: Simi 美人鱼? Bugger: 美人鱼 lah. I want you to help me find 美人鱼! Cheeky: Hello I don't know what the fuck you are talking about? Bugger: I DON"T CARE! I DON'T CARE! I WANT 美人鱼! Cheeky: Fuck off lah. I don't know any 美人鱼 Bugger: You are lying. I WANT 美人鱼! I WANT 美人鱼! Cheeky: Ni Nabeh. You want 美人鱼 is it? Bugger: Yah yah. Quick quick bring me to see 美人鱼

So cheeky being a good Samaritan, brought him to see his 美人鱼. Here's your fucking 美人鱼 you fucking chao cheebye.

Bloggers.SG 2005

2005-07-18T04:13:00.000-07:00

Seeing that everyone had so much fun at the recent Singapore Bloggers convention (and having so many chicks around), cheeky regretted not having partook in the orgy. The fact is cheeky was actually loitering around city hall with his girl during that time and thought of dropping by DXO for a while. But when he mentioned that to his girl, she retorted, “What for? Those bloggers have no life at all.” I tell you, after hearing that, the temptation to slap her was very strong and was gaining momentum with every second. But luckily, we bloggers have very good manners and self restrain. That’s why we don’t counter-sue when somebody sue us. We apologise instead. And so, with regards to that mean remarks, cheeky merely laughed it off. Ha ha. (By the way, cheeky and his girl made up by making out in the toilet afterwards, so all was forgiven). But then, even if cheeky was to drop by, he wouldn’t know what to do there. Cheeky don’t know any bloggers in Singapore and most of the time he will be left standing alone like an idiot. Add to the fact that he’s not good in conversing with a complete stranger. An example of a normal conversation with a stranger usually goes like this: Cheeky: Hi Sarong Party Girl: Oh hi. Cheeky: My name is Cheeky. Sarong Party Girl: Hi Cheeky. How are you? Cheeky: I’m fine. Can I see your boobs. *Slap *

See what he means. Anyway, cheeky has thought of a solution. Cheeky knows that many bloggers has taken upon themselves to form their own blogging cliques and community, as such cheeky thinks that it would be a good idea to join one, so that when the next convention comes around, he would have a groupie to hang out with and not feel so stupid. Cheeky’s criterias in joining a group are very simple. They must fufil 3 conditions: 1. There must be chio bu. 2. A lot of chio bu. 3. The more the merrier. So if you guys know of any cool blogging community or cliques that cheeky could join, feel free to leave a comment. ( For your info, cheeky likes to indulge in role playing and making home videos)

With the ending of this year convention, there must surely be some sort of post-mortem of the event. Even though Cheeky was not there in person, he would like to share with the organizers his gripes and suggestions concerning the convention (from reading the blogs of others of course). Cheeky strongly believe that, like sex, there are always room for improvements.

1. There are much complaints with regards to the toilets especially the male toilet. Please take a look at this following picture.

Can you see that the urinal has no partitions in between. Do you know that peeing in such low class urinal can make some guys feel “inadequate” especially if they happen to be peeing beside someone like Cheeky? These guys have very low self esteems and small egos to begin with, lets not shrink them further by subjecting them to such humiliation. So next time, please select a premise with a more appropriate toilet settings.

2. Cheeky pity those so called famous bloggers. With people jostling for the chance/space to take photos with/of these famous bloggers, they are no different from those pandas in the zoo. “ Wah Papa, the Mr brown is opening his mouth leh, quick take photo”. “ Wah Papa, take a picture of me feeding Miyagi with a curry puff leh”. " Sit Xiaxue. Sit and roll over!"

These famous bloggers may seem accommodating and friendly on the surface to your request of having a photo taken with them, but deep down they are cursing you and your ancestors. A few minutes of smiling for the cameras are fine. But when that stretches to a few hours with no breaks in between, the toil on the face and bladders can be very damaging.

As can be seen from this constipated picture of miyagi, he was really straining his face to fake a smile for the camera for the umpteen times. Give the poor guy a break for goodness sake.

To lighten their burdens, Cheeky suggests making life size cut-outs of these famous bloggers and placed them in various corners of the convention. This way, people can just walk up and pose for photos with these cut-outs. But please don’t take the chance to molest, fondle or use the cut-outs to aid you in any forms of self stimulated acts hor. It will not be tolerated. And please do not leave any unnecessary drools or bodily residues on the cut-outs as they are made with public sharing in mind.

Can we hire dancers from Crazy Horse for next year convention instead of belly dancers? (if you do, please notify us earlier so that we can prepare an extra set of pants and underwear to bring along) 5. We bloggers are prone to offending the authorities. As such there must be some measures in place to suck up to the authorities. Cheeky suggests that the organizers begin by leading the congregation in a wayang show of solidarity and love for the country by reciting the national pledge in the 4 official languages with a Singapore flag flying (must be flying hor) in the background before starting the next convention. 6. What on earth was Mr Kenny doing at the convention. Apparently he didn’t recognize a threat when he read one. Don’t worry, cheeky’s toenail is almost healed. 7. Jeremy Au Yong and Shawn Woo from SPH were acting damn smug after their organization won a lawsuit. Think their balls are getting too big for their own good. Anyone for a plate of "Balls Cutlets"? All in all, from what cheeky gathered, the convention was a success. The volunteers and organizers should give each other a pat on the back for a job well done. With that, Cheeky would like to excuse himself and go back to resuming his favourite activity with his girl. He's playing the role of a burglar tonight. Hur hur.

NKF vs SPH Court Saga

2005-07-13T01:03:00.000-07:00

The Cast TT Durai. CEO of NKF. Commonly known as "The man who simply refuses to fly business class". Senior Counsel Davinder Singh. The most powerful Singh in Singapore. Not related to Gurmit Singh Judge Tan Lee Meng. Don't do much in court but has a good ear for gossips. Clerk. Nicknamed "Court Jester" Yati Sudoharto, maid of the plaintiff. Her favourite hobbies are sleeping during working hours and acting blur. The maids these days I tell you. *Shake head* Contractor. He sibeh buay song NKF. Senior Counsel Michael Khoo. A low profile lawyer, that's why can't find his photo on the net. Clerk: Hear me hear me, Judge is in the house. All rise. Everyone rise Judge: So which case am I presiding today? Clerk: Your honour, please refer to case #234, NKF’s defamation suit against SPH. Judge: Sounds exciting. Will the defending counsel like to proceed? Counsel Singh: Your honour, I like to call the plaintiff Mr TT Durai to the stand. Mr Durai approaches the stand Clerk: Mr Durai, will you please place your right hand on the Bible and do solemnly swear Counsel Khoo: OBJECTION your honour! My client is a hindu. Judge: Who cares. Everyone laugh Judge: Joking lah. Objection substained. The bible is promptly replace with a set of Hindu scriptures. Clerk: Mr Durai, will you place your right hand on the scriptures and do solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the god damm truth, god dammit. Durai: I do. Clerk: You may now kiss the bride. Everyone laugh again Judge: *Wiping tears from his eyes* Oh man, this joke never fail to crack me up. Well done clerk. Counsel Singh, you may carry on. Counsel Singh: Mr Durai, have you at any point of time installed a gold-plated tap in your bathroom. Durai: No I don’t Counsel Singh: LIAR YOUR HONOUR! HE’S A LIAR! Judge: *Startled* Ni nabeh. You nearly make me pee in my pants. Counsel Singh: Pardon my sudden outburst your honour. I would next like to call upon my first witness, Ms Yati Sudoharto, maid of the plaintiff. A gangly woman approaches the stand Counsel Singh: Ms Yati, while you were cleaning Mr TT Durai’s office, do you happen to notice a gold-plated tap installed in his bathroom? Yati: Apa ini? Counsel Singh: Nice one Yati. Trying to play dumb with me is it? Yati: Apa? Counsel Singh: Apa indeed Ms Yati. But you don’t fool me one bit. Yati:Apa apa? Counsel Singh: If you apa one more time Yati, I’m going to shove your apa up your ass and then it will really be apa ini for you. Ya hear me. Let me ask you again, did you or did you not see a gold-plated tap installed in Mr Durai bathroom while you were cleaning his office? Long silence Counsel Singh: Come on Yati, no one can help you now. Why don’t you just spit it out. Yati spits on the floor. Counsel Singh: Kaninah. I don’t mean this kind of spit lah. The whole room erupted with laughter. Counsel Singh: Yati, if you still avoid the question, the court will have no choice but to send you back to Bandah Aceh and we all know what Aceh is like right now don’t we? Hur hur. Yati: You bad person. Yati no like you. Counsel Singh: Like I care Yati, like I care. One last time Yati. Did you see a gold-plated tap installed in Mr Durai bathroom while you were cleaning his office? Yati: Yah lah. Counsel Singh: Ah ha! *looking damn smug* What do you say to that now Mr Durai? Counsel Khoo: OBJECTION your honour. Counsel Singh is showing off. Judge: Overruled. Being MM Lee personal lawyer, it's only right that we allow Counsel Singh to show off once in a while. Counsel Singh please carry on. Counsel Singh: Thank you your honour. Mr Durai, will it now occur to you that your defamation suit against my client now appears to be ill conceived. Durai: Damn you Singh. Damn you and your turban. Counsel Singh: Your honour, to' kill off' this case, I like to call upon my next witness. He’s none other than (long pause for dramatic effect) “The Contractor”. The whole room goes Ooooooooo. Some even soil their pants. An Ah Pek approaches the stand. Counsel Singh: Mr contractor, am I correct to say that you are the one responsible in installing the tap? Contractor: Ha nah. Counsel Singh: Were you asked to install the gold-plated tap in Mr Durai bathroom? Contractor: Si lah. That Ah Neh said he only want the best and he told me to install the gold one from the catalog loh. I sibeh buay song after that becos hor how can anyhow waste people money like that wan. Si bor? Durai: *looking agitated* Ok dammit. We did installed a gold-plated tap. There I admit it. But I see nothing wrong with it. It was entirely within the guidelines and regulations of the board. Everything that was done was above board. Counsel Singh: You know Mr Durai, with regards to what you just said, we Sikhs have a old saying, “Milakum nahbahsoli krisnatham”. It means “What a pile of bullshit”. Counsel Khoo: OBJECTION your honour. Counsel is insulting my client. Judge: Overruled. Not only is Counsel Singh allow to show off, but he is also entitled to make sarcastic insults now and then. No choice. MM Lee personal lawyer mah. Counsel Singh: Thank you your honour. With the testimonies of the two witnesses, we can safely conclude that the articles in question which were printed by my client has in no way defame Mr Durai in any capacity but were simply reporting and conveying the facts to its readers. Facts which we have already proven in this court. As such I would like your honour to end the session now and throw out this suit not only because of it's ridiculousness but also because I'm getting hungry. Counsel Khoo: OBJECTION your honour. I haven't had my turn yet. Judge: Objection my ass. I'm getting hungry too. Lets just adjourn for makan before resuming the session. Clerk: Hear me hear me, the Judge is leaving for makan. All rise. Everyone boh hew the clerk.

Eddy and his Boon Lay Gal

2005-06-27T05:04:00.000-07:00

Like all love stories, it usually start with a horny guy. This one is no exception, more so when our protagonist is such a loser. All his life, our dear Eddy has came into close physical contacts with only 2 women. His mom and his Miss piggy stuffed toy that he pestered his mom to buy when he was 2 years old. Yes I know, his horniness started from a very young age. So how on earth did he manage to snag a girl of such calibre and pedigree like Boon Lay gal? Frankly speaking, this narrator has no idea. But then, all love stories make no sense. The chance meeting between Bon Lay gal and Eddy Neo took place at NTU campus during one memorable Tuesday afternoon. To be more specific, at Canteen B during one memorable Tuesday afternoon. Our dear Eddy was, as usual standing in line at his favourite fishball noodle stall when he caught glimpse of a fresh face, doe eyed girl, with dyed brown hair tie up in a pony tail, decked in pink spaghetti top and khaki shorts (the label read Giordano) standing by the zhi char stall. She was Boon Lay gal. Eddy Neo: Actually she was standing by the chicken rice stall. Is it? Eddy Neo: Yah. Paiseh, but please don't interrupt the narrator again. And so our Boon Lay girl was standing by the chicken rice stall when our dear Eddy caught sight of her. He was simply captivated. Eddy Neo: It was love at first sight. Whatever. Our dear Eddy spent the next 25 minutes stealing a peek every few seconds in between gulping down his meal. You should have seen his face, it was pathetic. Sauce was smeared all over his face, specs fogged with steam and a drool slowly forming at the corner of his mouth. Our dear Eddy at that point of time was seriously contemplating whether to approach her. But fortunately, it was all over before you knew it. Boon Lay gal simply walked off after finishing her lunch. Talk about anti-climax. Duh. But deep down, our dear Eddy knew he just has to get to know the gal on a deeper level (no sexual pun intended) We all know actions speak way louder than words and one damn thing about losers is that fantasizing and talking are all they are good at. They simply lack the balls to chase after the girls of their dreams. Eddy knew this and had the good sense to enlist the help of a special person to help him gained the courage he needed from increasing the size of his balls. That person is none other than Kenny Sia.

Kenny Sia: Hi I’m Kenny. The “ Man with the biggest balls in Kuching” Pretty bold statement. Although he will have to retract that claim if ever Cheeky was to move to Kuching. But chill Kenny, Cheeky is perfectly happy staying in Singapore, so you get to keep that title . . . . . for now. Hur hur. Upon meeting Eddy and examining his testicles, Kenny got a big shock. Kenny Sia: I can’t locate it. It…it…it’s not there. What a dilemma. How do you increase the size of something when it’s not even there? Kenny Sia: Beats me? He’s kidding of course. He’s not called “The man with the biggest balls in Kuching” for nothing. Please tell our readers you are kidding. Kenny Sia: I’m kidding. That’s right. It may seem an impossible task to create something out of nothing but miracles do happen, especially in a love story. Through a series of acupunctures, traditional herbal tonics and a carefully followed diet plan, Kenny finally helped our dear Eddy gradually developed a pair of round thingy between his thighs. Kenny Sia: It’s not big. That’s for sure. But at least he has something dangling there. With new found balls came new found courage and thus began a journey that our dear Eddy will embarked on, a journey he will never regret, to capture the heart of his Boon Lay gal.

-To be continue, this time I promise-

P.S. Cheeky is not very happy with Mr Kenny Sia. How dare he crossed over from the causeway and hoodwinked all the chicks here. Nabeh. Who does he thinks he is. Let me tell ya something Kenny boy, all the hot chicks you have met here, stay here on this side of the border, ya hear me Kenny boy. Cheeky would have challenged you to a fight, but he is letting you go this time round, not because your biceps are twice the size of his, it's just that Cheeky is nursing a broken toe nail. You are one lucky fellow.

2005-05-26T22:17:00.000-07:00

It has been a couple of weeks weeks since the demise of bubblemunche.blogspot.com. Some of his faithful readers may be pinning scant hope that bubs will resuscitate his blog, but sorry, Eddy Neo is no Jedi, he ain't coming back. All that was left from his blog was a brief statement and a simple apology. There was no mention on how he managed to snag his Boon Lay Girl nor was there any further information about her. But fear not everyone. Through a series of intensive investigative works, cheekybynature managed to painstakingly pieced together the love story between Eddy Neo and Boon Lay Girl. A love story so heart wrenching, so touching, so melodramatic and so sweet and innocent at the same time, it make "Casablanca" and" Gone with the Wind" look like comedies. Stay tune for the next update if you are curious on how a loser managed to capture the heart of his fair maiden who is way way way out of his league. On another note, FF has passed the musical baton to me. Normally, cheeky is not interested in gimmicks like this, but then it's FF leh. So here goes: Total volume of music files on my computer: No idea. The last CDs I bought were: Forgot already. Song playing right now: Now working. Cannot play song. Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me: It's all cantopop songs from a girl band called At 17. The baton is now passed to: Nobody. P.S: Thanks to a alert reader, cheeky found out one particular blogger has been plagiarising from his blog. No cause for alarm everyone, that bugger has taken down all his entries so all is fine now.

Another edition of "Wake Up Your Fucking Ideas Singapore"

2005-05-08T23:25:00.000-07:00

Suzanne: Welcome everyone to another edition of “Wake Up your Fucking Ideas Singapore”. Richard: Yup, the no. 1 rated morning show in Singapore. For today’s discussion, we are going to talk about something that’s causing a great deal of controversies lately. We are referring of course to blogs. Suzanne: Yes, as we all know, recently we have seen blogs grabbing the headlines for all the wrong reasons: Racist remarks, defamatory articles. The question is can’t bloggers themselves wise up a bit and put in a bit of common sense? To answer this question, we have invited Professor Mucus Tan from the School of Communication Studies at NTU and Mr Brown, a blogger who is considered a doyen in the Singapore blogging scene. Nice to have you here gentlemen. Mucus/Mr Brown: Nice to be here. Suzanne: So tell me Professor Tan, are bloggers stupid or what? Mucus: Well Suzanne, I can’t say for all. But frankly speaking, most blogs I read are pretty immature and lack a focus. So to a certain extent, yes most bloggers are stupid. Mr Brown: I beg to differ. Personally I think Suzanne: *looking slightly irritated* Hey Brownie, when I want your opinion, I will ask for it. For now, just be a dear, sit down and try to act interested in the discussion. Ok Professor Tan, now that we have establish a consensus that most bloggers are stupid, are there any sort of guidelines and regulations we need to implement? Mucus: In my opinion, the government should form a new institution where all local blogs would come under its umbrella. In this way, proper monitoring and censorship would be safely ensured. Richard suddenly leans forward to the group Richard: Sorry to interrupt the discussion Suzanne. But we are getting a breaking news from one of our correspondent overseas now. Suzanne: A breaking news. Wow. It has been a long time since we got one. How exciting. Richard: Yes I know and I like to remind our viewers you are hearing it first on Channel News Asia. Suzanne: Hurry up and tell Richard. The suspense is killing me. Richard: *Looking very serious* We just received news that Pope John Paul II is dead. Suzanne gasps Suzanne: Get out of here. Richard: It’s true. Pope John Paul II has just passed away. We are going to cross over “live” to our correspondent at the Vatican now. Hi correspondent, can you tell us what is the mood and atmosphere at the Vatican now. Correspondent: Well Richard, I’m very surprise to say that everything seems normal around here. There are no outpouring of grief from anyone. In fact, the only crowd congregating at St Peter Square now are the pigeons. Richard: Any words from the Vatican? Correspondent: I spoken to a few cardinals regarding this sudden demise of the pope, but all they did were giving me this weird look like I’m some kind of an idiot. The residents I interviewed in the vicinity kept laughing at me for no apparent reasons, some even called me a loser. I believe they must be so overwhelmed by emotions Richard. Richard: I suppose they are trying to mask their feelings. Not everyone can control their emotions as well as we do. Correspondent: I suppose so. Richard: Thank you correspondent for your update. Back to the studio. Who have you on the line now Suzanne? Suzanne: Well Richard, we have contacted Father Joseph from the United States as soon as the news breaks out. Hi Father Joseph, given what had happened, what do you think are the appropriate follow up procedures from the Vatican? Father Joseph: What procedures? Suzanne: You know, the funeral, the selection of a successor and so on. Father Joseph: What funeral? What successor? Suzanne: *shaking her head and sighing in a condescending manner* Oh Richard, looks like someone is in a state of denial. Poor fellow. Richard: For goodness sake Father. The man is dead. Face the fact and get a grip on your pathetic self. Father Joseph: Are you guys talking about the late Pope John Paul II? Suzanne: Wake up and smell the roses Father Joseph. Of course we are talking about him. Who else could we be talking? Father Joseph: For your information, Pope John Paul II passed away weeks ago YOU STUPID MORON. The new pope is Pope Benedict XVI. Long awkward silence in the studio Suzanne: *Laughing nervously* Hahaha. Of course we knew that, didn’t we Richard? Richard: Hahaha, of course of course. This is actually a prank we play once in a while. Gotcha. Hahaha. Long silence again.

Suzanne: Lets go for a commercial break. Richard: Good idea Suzanne.

Commercial Break

Interview with Taufik and Sylvester

2005-05-03T04:16:00.000-07:00

It has been a few months since the Singapore Idol finale. Taufik Batisah and Sylvester Sim had captured the imagination of Singaporean of all races and religions with their earnest performances on stage. Today, our showbiz reporter Kate reunite the 2 idols again and attempts to ask some thought provoking questions with regards to their new found fame, albums and their future plans. Kate: Welcome guys. First and foremost, thanks for coming despite your very hectic schedule. Taufik: Glad you know I have a hectic schedule. Lets get on with the questioning and not waste anymore of my precious time. Sylvester: Wah, Taufik so busy hor. Where you going later? Suria AGAIN hah? Sly chuckles Taufik: Are you implying you have a tighter schedule than me? Sly: No lah, only channel 8 and channel U loh, maybe also a few mandarin radio stations later in the afternoon loh. Not very busy lah. Taufik: For your info, I’m not going Suria. I have a few photo shoots and recording later. Sly: Whatever loh. Kate: Guys guys, lets not squabble over petty issue. I’m sure both of you are equally busy. Ok Taufik, since you are the Singapore Idol, I’m going to start with you. Taufik: Shoot away. Kate: Your first album has shifted more than 5000 copies in Singapore. A rare feat for a local artiste Sly: My one shifted 6000 already. Taufik: Hey, what’s your problem cock face? Sly: Nothing cunt face. Kate: Please guys, remember your image as idols. Taufik: He started it. Sly: Did not. Taufik: Did too. Sly: Did not. Taufik: Did too. Kate: Guys, stop it. Turn and look at me. Both turn and look at Kate. Sly: wah chio bu. Kate: Eh… thanks. Can we just carry on with no further interruptions? Thanks. Now Taufik, back to the earlier question. How does it feel to see your album doing so well, outselling even Dick Lee’s. Taufik: Kate, please for the love of god, DO NOT, I say again, DO NOT compare Taufik Batisah with that dick. We cater to 2 different markets. His targeted demographic groups are gays and old follies. Mine is the cool, hip and sophisticated group. Obviously I’m delighted that the album did so well, but that is to be expected from any talented singer. Sly: Oh please. Taufik: In fact, to demonstrate my singing prowess, I’m going to do a rendition of one of my fav songs, “I Fly” right here, right now. Sly: Fly already don’t come back hor. Taufik: (agitated and irritated) Just what the fuck do you want? You want a piece of me, come and get it, you fucking chao Ah Beng. Sly: Oh spoiling for a fight is it? Bring it on asshole. Sly and Taufik try to fight it out but they are quickly restrain by their respective minders. Both sides take a few minutes to settle down. Kate: Now lets ask Sylvester a few questions for a change. There was a bit of hoo-hah over your little marriage act with Maia. Was it a publicity stunt? Care to fill us in on this incident? Sly: My star is shining damn bloody bright. I don’t need to pull any stunts to gain publicity. Taufik: No. But you need to pull something else. Sly: What!? Taufik: A hood to cover your fugly face. Sly: Nabeh cheebye. Sly get up and attempts a cheap shot at Taufik but is stop again by his minder. Kate: Whoa whoa cool it guys. Both of you are stars in your own making. Lets kiss and make up shall we. Taufik: No thanks. His gargantuan lips scare me Sly: Enough hor cheebye. A person has a limit to his patience one hor. Taufik: I know, but a monkey don’t have mah. Sly gets up again and throws a few punches at Taufik. Both entangle, fall and roll on the floor. Minders quickly separate the two idols. Sly: (puffing and trying to reassure his minder he's fine) I’m cool . . . I’m cool. Sly sprung up from his seat to attack Taufik again. It takes another couple of minutes before the minders get both idols in their seats again. Kate: Ok Sylvester, care to elaborate on the Maia issue. Sly: It was a spur of the moment decision. Both of us thought over it later and realized it was a stupid mistake. A hasty mistake. I like to take this chance to apologize to all my fans who idolize me. Your prince charming will never do anything like that again. Both Taufik and his minder fake a puke. Kate: Now Taufik, coming back to your album. Some critics have labeled your album as infantile. What is your view? Taufik: Who the fuck said that? Kate: Eh . . . not sure. Some ang moh I think. Taufik: Well let me tell that ang moh something. I put in an awful lot of sweat and efforts in this album and I’m damn proud of every song in it. If you want to listen to something mature, go ask your mom to nag at you. Sly: You know, I listen to some of the songs in your album. They are indeed really childish. Taufik: Is not. Sly: Is too. Taufik: IS NOT. Sly: IS TOO. Taufik poke his fingers into Sly’s eyes. Sly: Arggggghhh. Cheebye! My eyes! My eyes! Sly feels around and manage to locate Taufik. He grabs his balls and gives it a few good squeezes. Taufik: Wooooooooooooo More interception by the minders before both idols slump into their seats. Kate: Taufik, you ok? Taufik: I’m fine Kate: My next question concern a rumour. I don’t know where this rumour arises from, but I hope you can clarify it. There seems to be reports saying that Olinda Cho, your fellow Singapore Idol finalist has the hots for you. Taufik: Hello Kate, I just have my breakfast leh. Minder whispers something to him. Taufik: Sorry. What I mean is me and Olinda are very good friends. But there’s no way it will go beyond friendship. She knows it and I know it. And it has nothing to do with her physique. Absolutely nothing to do with it. Sly: (sarcastically) Like real. Kate: Back to you Sly. You model your image as a rocker. Do you think there’s any possibility that there’s any chance you will go into other genres as far as music is concerned? Sly: Never. You can take away my jacket, my sunglasses and even my underwear which I bought from the market, but you can never take away the “rock” in me. Taufik: Didn’t know you kena gallstones. Sly stare at Taufik who stare right back. Kate: One last question for both of you before we wrap up this interview. Do you fear your popularity will fade once the next idol comes along? Both laugh loudly to emphasis the ludicrous nature of the question. Sly: Of course not. You want to know why? Because Sylvester Sim is going regional baby. Taiwan, Malaysia, Indonesia, all I hoot ka liao. Heheheh. Taufik: I’m not too fazed by it. I’m confident my fans will stay with me for the long haul regardless of how many idols they put out there, because there is, I repeat, there is, only one Taufik Batisah. Kate: Thanks once again gentlemen for your precious time.

Interesting Blogs from up north

2005-04-20T06:45:00.000-07:00

Hi boys and gals, was just reading cowboy's blog and was introduced to 2 interesting blogs from up north ( Malaysia lah not Woodlands). Prior to that and regretably, cheeky never read any blogs orignated from Malaysia and thus was unaware of some kickass blogs that were written. Well not anymore. So without further ado, here are at least 2 blogs worth mentioning. www.minishorts.net www.kennysia.com Cheeky is sure there are tons more, if you are really free, you can troll the net for more.

Pop Quiz (inspired by Sean Condon)

2005-04-12T03:27:00.000-07:00

"Does This Bus Stop at 82nd Street?" by Bruce Springsteen No it doesn’t. The bus will go round Yishun new town before ending at Woodlands bus interchange. And Bruce, we don’t named our streets after numbers. We have more imagination than that. We named them after dead people. "Do You Sleep?" by Lisa Loeb Yes I do. I also eat and shit. "Does Your Chewing-Gum Lose Its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?" by Lonnie Donegan You’ll have to ask our Minister Mentor. "How Deep Is Your Love?" by The Bee Gees I’m not trying to sound boastful here, but my love can go pretty deep. At least deeper than the three of you combined. "How Do I Live" by Trisha Yearwood Try inhaling and exhaling. "Where Have All The Flowers Gone?" by Pete Seeger Wilted. Dead. What do you expect with a weather like ours? Goodness. "Who Let the Dogs Out?" by the Baha Men Must be those families from Everitt Road at Joo Chiat. Their animosities are running so deep, they are unleashing their hounds on each other. We are living in a sick world I tell ya. "What Does The Pussy Cat Mean When She Says 'Meow'?" by Margaret Young You have to be specific. Is it a 'high' meow or a 'low' meow. If it is a 'high' meow, the cat is most likely in heat and getting ready for some action. If it is a 'low' meow, it just mean the cat is hungry and need to be fed. If the meow is somewhere between 'high' and 'low', this imply the cat want to mate and be fed at the same time. When this happen, put on the sharpest heels you can find and give the stupid cat a mean kick up its puny ass. No one, not even cats, deserve the best of both worlds. "Who Killed Bambi?" by The Sex Pistols It’s Gopal from Mutu’s Curry. He told me their restaurant ran out of meat. Yeah right. Don’t worry, I have already informed the SPCA. They will deal with those scums. "Will You Be There" by Michael Jackson I doubt so. As much as I admire your slick dance moves, I really can’t find the time to fly half way round the globe to attend your trial. It’s too much of a hassle. And try not to put too much make up, you’ll just gross out the jury. "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" by Elvis Presley Not really. I’m pretty occupied most nights. When I reach home every eveing, I will tuck into my dinner, have a quick shower and proceed to check my email and read some blogs. After that, I will play Winning Eleven for a few hours and if time permit, catch a few reruns of “Days of our Lives” on TV. As you can see, I’m a pretty happening chap. "What Are You Doing Sunday?" by Tony Orlando Chiong Geylang. No lah just kidding. Probably stay home all day reading a book. “How is Julie?” by The Lettermen Not bad. She started a business a few year ago mass producing biscuits. Earning buckets no less. "Daddy, Where Did I Come From?" by The Nice I’m not your Daddy, but I’m gonna to answer your question. You were originally part of a glob of mess left behind unintentionally by your Daddy inside your Mommy’s body after one unspectacular and unsatisfying night. In her body, you out swam your peers and managed to snuggle into an enclave called an egg where you resided for the next nine months. During this span of time, you slowly mutated into a higly sophiscated living species (this is highly subjective of course) and proceeded to wriggle your way out of Mummy’s tummy when the right time arised, together with lots of blood and disgusting unnameable fluid substances in the ensuing process. Now do you know where you came from? . . . No? Ok, you were actually born out of a rock. "Where Did It All Go Wrong?" by Oasis Right after you cancelled your gig in Singapore because you were so freak out by the terrorist attacks in Bali. That’s when we knew you were just some balless wimps and not some hard talking rebels you guys projected youselves as. "What's Up?" by 4 Non Blondes Nothing. I was happily minding my own business before you came. “Why Didn’t Rosemary?” by Deep Purple Why didn’t she what? What sort of a question is that? “Have I Told You Lately That I Love You?" by Rod Stewart Don’t bother. I’m not interested. "Can I Touch You There?" by Michael Bolton Hell no. I said it once, I’ll said it again. Every part of me are meant for chio bu to touch and not by some old balding freak like you. "Do You Wanna Touch Me" by Gary Glitter No, I’m not going to touch you either, you fucking freak. "Do You Love Me?" by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds Nabeh. "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" by Elton John . . . . . "Do You Wanna Make Love" by Peter McCann That does it. I’m getting my crowbar.

Back from reservist

2005-04-08T05:28:00.000-07:00

Hi boys and gals, sorry for the lack of updates. Cheeky just came back from 2 weeks of reservist. Will put up a new entry soon after he's done with spa and massages over the weekend.

Jimmy and his lemonade stand

2005-03-22T04:17:00.000-08:00

On March the 3rd 2005, a 10-year-old boy was brought before the juvenile court and sentenced to 1-year probation in the boys’ home. Not many people know about it since the trial was snappy and low profile in nature. The boy, Jimmy Lee Jun Hong was a promising and well-behaved student studying in a prominent primary school and had excelled both in studies and CCA. Poor Jimmy. Just what did he do that prompted the rather harsh sentence by the court. The answer; lemonade stand. According to sources obtained by this blog, Jimmy was said to have broken a few laws by setting up his lemonade stand on the pavement between Ang Mo Kio Avenue 2 and 3. Details were pretty sketchy at that point of time. Nevertheless, our reporter managed to coax out some answers and views from the authorities and the people who know Jimmy personally respectively after some painstaking efforts. Spokesperson from the Singapore Police Force The police received a tip off from an anonymous caller at approximately 10.45 a.m on Tuesday and wasted no time in apprehending Jimmy Lee Jun Hong. Jimmy in this case has broken 2 laws under section 663 and 664(a) of the Penal code…..I think. What did you say? No, not penis. It’s penal. That’s P-E-N-A-L. That’s right. Goodness. Anyway, the fact is, the police view the congregations of customers around Jimmy’s lemonade stand amounting to an unlawful assembly act. Not only this, motorists stopping their vehicles by the road to patronize Jimmy’s stand contributed to a massive jam between Ang Mo Kio avenue 2 and 3. Because of these, the police have no choice but to take Jimmy in. We arrested Jimmy with a clear conscience. Spokesperson from the Environmental Public Health (National Environment Agency) Whoa whoa who the hell are you? Why are you hiding behind that pot of plant? ...Oh, so you want to ask about that case involving Jimmy Lee? I see. The case against him was very straight forward. Jimmy never apply for a hawker license. Period. Hah? Where did I get my haircut? My wife trimmed it for me. Why do you ask? Look like shit?! Kannenah! Yo security! Security, we have an intruder here! Spokesperson from the Singapore Land Authority According to our records, the parcel of land that Jimmy operated his lemonade stand on belongs to the authority. This piece of evidence against him is indisputable. If Jimmy wanted to use the land in the first place, he should jolly well have submitted a tender for it. What’s that again? No, his age shouldn’t be used as an excuse. A crime is a crime. Shame on you for even suggesting it. And can I ask you a question? When was the last time you took a bath? Because you absolutely stink. Koh Teck Leng. A soft-drinks vendor operating close to Jimmy's lemonade stand.

Nabeh Jimmy. Serve him right. Why am I so mad? Of course must be mad lah. That boy actually undercut my business and caused my profit to dip by almost 20% during that one day his lemonade stand was up and running. Kudos to the authorities for moving in on him. For once I feel my tax money was well spend. Hello, can you stop putting your arm around my shoulder. Think what, friend friend hah?

Peter Wong. The judge who presided over Jimmy's trial.

Holy macaroni. You freak. You almost scared me to death! Don’t sprung on me like that again. What do you want? Oh, about that Jimmy boy is it? Ok, well after reviewing all the evidence against Jimmy Lee Jun Hong carefully, the court has sufficient ground to find him guilty of all charges and thereby sentenced him to 1-year probation in the boys’ home. No, I don’t think the sentence is too harsh. No, I haven’t tasted his lemonade before. Why the hell are you asking me that for? Yes we know Jimmy is a smart boy who had done well in school, CCA and blah blah blah. The truth is, this court doesn’t give a shit to all that. Let me just fill you in on a little secret. The authorities have actually amassed a large number of foreign talents, always ready to be granted a citizenship to replenish any Singaporean we jailed I tell ya. Hey, is it just me or do you smell something foul around here?

Goh Tok Heng. Principal of a prominent primary school which Jimmy used to attend.

Jimmy? Jimmy who? We don’t have anyone by that name in this school. You got the wrong school my friend. Psst…You know, you should go try the school further down the street instead. That school has a reputation of churning out losers and social misfits. Don’t tell anyone I say one hah. Hmm…wonder why this room suddenly smells like kiam hee (salted fish).

Xiao Hong. Chinese national from Hubei, China. Classmate of Jimmy whom he consistently beat in studies.

What do you want from me? I didn’t call the police. I know nothing ok……..Oh, you just want my opinion on Jimmy as a classmate. I see I see. Well, I must admit Jimmy was an extremely popular person in school, well liked by everyone. That bastard. Although he constantly relegates me to second spot in studies, I bear no grudges towards him. Only hatred. It is rather unfortunate to see Jimmy in such a predicament. It really pains my heart to see such a promising person thrown into a boys’ home. Only 1 year, damn it. I hope he can come out of it a stronger and better person. And I hope the public won’t chastise the girl who tipped off the police. She was just doing what any law-abiding person would do. Eh… not that I know the caller was really a girl in the first place lah. Haha. It was just an assumption you know. Maybe it’s a boy leh. Haha. Or an elderly. Haha……Can I go now?

Mutu Ravisamy. Head warden of the boys' home.

Don’t worry everybody. Jimmy is in good hands. Under our guidance and counseling, Jimmy will be rehabitated into a strait laced and responsible citizen in no time. For a start, we will be subjecting Jimmy to 3 months of intensive line-dancing lessons to make sure he will never ever step out of line from the rest again. Pardon? Yes yes, with all the costumes, boots, cowboy hat and everything. He will also be required to study that thick slab of “monster” called the Singapore Constitutions so that he will never break a single rule and regulation again. Pardon again? Of course there is an exam. What kind of a dumb question was that? Can I continue? Thank you. The program will then end with a state sponsored trip to Australia for all our boys. Over there, they will be given a glimpse of the pathetic lives exile opposition members are currently living. You know, just to shake these kids up a bit. To let them know this is what awaits them if they went against the system. What’s that you ask? No, we don’t have a preferred airline. No, we have no idea Valuair is currently having a promotion to Australia. You asked pretty weird questions, you know that? And by the way, go take a bath. You smell real bad.

Ah Fatt, a hawker selling dried bean curds at Pasir Panjang wholesale centre.

You again!

An encounter with an African player

2005-03-16T03:28:00.000-08:00

Oh man, the new S-league season is upon us once again. Have you people noticed the great influx of African players into the game. Just visit some of the stadiums and you are bound to catch a few of them in action. Cheeky was out jogging at the stadium last week when he came across one S-league football team near the end of their training. There were a few African players on the field and cheeky thought it might be a good idea to get their autographs. You never know-given their talents- just how far some of these African players will rise on the world football stage. Cheeky noticed one particular player approaching the dug out and quickly went towards him. Bad move. Our friend here, if you don’t know, has just been reprimanded by the coach for being too lax during training and was in a pretty foul mood. Cheeky: Hi there bro, can I have your autograph? African player: What’s that ya said? Cheeky: I said can I have your autograph? African player: No before that. Cheeky: Hi there African player: No after that Cheeky: Bro African player: Lemme just ask ya something. Were ya around me when the whole family was out there in Nigeria digging thro’ dirt looking for a sip of water? Cheeky: …Eh no. African player: Were ya around me when the whole family was out there in Nigeria fighting off the vultures for food? Cheeky: …No African player: And were ya anywhere around me when Papa got kicked in the groin by the rhino and had to has his swollen testicle removed? Cheeky: …No. African player: So don’t ya go all brotherly with me. Ya hear me? Cheeky: Ok, I get it. I’m sorry. Can I please have your autograph? Cheeky handed him a pen and a piece of paper. African player: What’s this? Cheeky: It’s a piece of paper for you to sign your name. African player: No it isn’t. This is just a piece of scrap ya picked from the garbage bin. What’s the matter with ya. Just because I’m black ya think I don’t deserve a proper piece of paper? Is that what ya saying? Cheeky: Whoa whoa steady friend. African player: Just because I’m a few shades darker than ya, ya think I can just sign on any piece of shit? Is that what ya think? Well lemme tell ya something ya yellow piece of dung. Agugu ain’t taking no shit from anybody. Ya hear me? Ain’t taking no shit. Cheeky: Ok ok. Why the hell do you get so work up for. Goodness. African player: Oh, so black people can’t have a temper. Is that what ya trying to say. What do you take me for? A nigger who has to tend to your farm? Cheeky: Hey I didn’t say that ok. You are out of your mind. African player: Oh so now I’m a crazy nigger. Cheeky: Look, I didn’t call you a nigger. And this piece of paper is not something I picked up the bin. I actually tore it from my autograph book ok. African player: Oh tore from an autograph book. I see I see. A little segregation in place just in case a nigger’s autograph taint the whole book, is that what you mean? Cheeky: …… African player: Well lemme tell ya something you slant eyes bastard, Agugu didn’t come all the way here to get disrespected. Ya got me? Ain’t nobody goin to show Agugu any disrespect. Agugu ain’t goin to just stand around and get shove by you people, no no no. Cos when the clock struck twelve and the tide went low, the only one left standing will be Agugu Mutomobi looking down at the rest of all you pathetic ass. Oh yeah. The African player grabbed the paper, cleared his throat and spitted on the paper African player: Here’s your fucking autograph asshole. And off he went to the dressing room. Just like that. If that’s anything you can learn from this episode, dear readers, it’s that never ask an autograph from a player who has just been fucked by his coach in front of dozens of joggers and children.

Off for a break

2005-03-03T04:06:00.000-08:00

Cheeky is taking a short break from blogging. Will be back in a couple of weeks. Adios.

Brand New Morning Show On Channelnewsasia

2005-02-22T22:52:00.000-08:00

Brand New Morning Show Richard Lui: Welcome everyone to a brand new morning show on Channelnewsasia. Suzanne Jung: That’s right Richard. After months of contemplating and then revamping, we are proud to launch this new morning program aptly named “Wake Up your Fucking Ideas Singapore”. A name that’s sure to ring some resonance among our viewers. Richard: In this revamped morning show, we’ll be discussing all the hot and controversial issues gripping the nation. We’ll also be inviting viewers to call in and share their views. Suzanne: Talking about hot and controversial issue, the announcement by the government to consider setting up a casino is already polarizing the country into 2 distinct camps, each with their own arguments and views to be heard. Richard: Yes, it is indeed refreshing to see a fierce debate happening right here in sterile Singapore. So what’s your own opinion on this issue Suzanne? Suzanne: Who cares. I’m a Korean. Both laugh heartily. Richard: Our phone lines are now open to our viewers. If you have something to add to this casino issue, the number to call is 1900-66911-123....... And we have a caller on the line now. Hello? Caller #1: Knock Knock. Richard: Eh…. Who’s there? Caller #1: Who Richard: Who who? Caller #1: Knock Knock. Richard: Who’s there!? Caller #1: Who. Richard: Who who!? Caller #1: Knock knock Richard: Who’s the bloody fuck is there!? Caller #1: Who. Richard: WHO WHO!? Caller #1: Can you please stop talking like an owl. Muahahahaha. Caller hangs up. Suzanne: That’s so retard. Richard: Yah man. What’s that all about? Fucking bastard. Please do not make nuisance calls. We can and we will trace your calls ok and then we’ll wallop your face so seriously, your Mama will have trouble differentiating your face from your ass. We seem to have another caller on the line. Hello? Who’s there speaking? Caller #2: Hello. Power 98 is it? I like to request a song for my beloved boyfriend Justin. I want to take this opportunity to tell Justin that I will always treasured the time we spend together and that I love him very much. Suzanne spits on the floor. Suzanne: May I know your name dear? Caller #2: Cassandra. Suzanne: Well Cassandra, you know what? Screw you. Screw you and your boyfriend. I’ll have you know that this is not a radio station but a multiple awards winning news network with millions of viewers tuning in to us at this moment throughout Asia. So please save your mushy gushy comment in the hotel room in Geylang. I’m sure it will come in more useful there. Richard hi-five Suzanne. Richard: Well said Suzanne. The thing that irks me most is to have someone calling into an inferior radio station requesting for a song. *Richard spits on the floor*. And the shameless guts to even call one which doesn’t belong to Mediacorp’s stable of radio stations. Suzanne: Such sheer audacity. That bitch. Hope they contracted STD or something. Lets pick up another call. Hello? You there? You are on air now. Speaks up you wuss. Caller #3: Oh hi, just to share my 2 cents worth about the casino issue. Richard: Go ahead. Caller #3: I think it’s regrettable that the government is considering allowing for the setting up of a casino. Don’t they know the severe social impact and the repercussions it would create, not to mention the eroding of our values. I think the government is stupid and should take this time to reflect on their action. Richard: What’s your name sir? Caller #3: Eric Lim. Richard: Well, Mr Eric Lim, as a subsidiary of the Government, this network doesn’t take too kindly to criticisms of the government. Your call has been traced and your particular forwarded to the Home Affair Ministry. You will hear from the authority pretty soon. Have a nice day. Line cut. Suzanne: You know Richard, seems like we are not getting the kinds of calls we wanted. Lets just proceed to Paul for the market report. Morning Paul, so how’s the market doing today. Paul Dekkers: Not good Suzanne. Not good at all. We are seeing a sharp increase in price on several fronts in the market. The bird flu that’s affecting Thailand and Vietnam right now, has a diverse impact on the market. For example, at Tekka wet market, the price of a whole chicken is standing at $5.00 per 1.1kg. A mark increase from just 2 weeks ago. Eggs are selling at 3 to 5 times their usual prices. Seng Choon eggs for example are retailing at $3.30 for a tray of ten. Richard: I say, fuck Mr Seng Choon. What about fish. Has the tsunami affected the harvesting of fishes? Paul: Good question Richard. Well the tsunami has not really affected the prices of fishes. Prices have remained surprisingly stable. Just to list a few, white pomfret is selling at $14.20, sea bass at $10.60 per kg and salmon gutted head at $40.50 per 4kg. Suzanne: Sounds fishy to me. *Smile smugly at her supposedly clever use of pun* How about vegetables Paul. I’m a vegetarian. Paul: Well Suzanne, if I’m you, I’ll be please to learn that baby kai lan is still selling at $1.30 per 200g, celery at $3.45/1.2kg, chye sim at $3.10/kg, kang kong at $2.70/kg, pek chye at $1.60/500g and phuay leng at $2.20/500g. Really not much changes from yesterday or the week before. Suzanne: Ok thanks Paul. And that’s Paul Dekkers with the market report. I think we are coming close to the end of today's edition of “ Wake Up Your Fucking Ideas Singapore”. Richard: Oh my, how times fly. Anything to add Suzanne? Suzanne: Nothing much. Just something that has been bugging me since I co-host this show with you. Richard: And what will that be? Suzanne: Why do you keep sitting with your legs so wide apart? They are almost 180 degrees spaced out. Richard: What can I say. I’m very well endowed right down there. Suzanne: Aiyoh, so naughty. Both laughed like a pair of hyenas.

-FADE OUT-

Men in white short sleeve shirts, ties and black pants (MIWSSSTBP)

2005-02-18T04:24:00.000-08:00

Note: This entry is not meant to be offensive. Please read it with an open mind. If you are still offended in any way, the writer would like to offer his humble backside as an apology. Have you guys seen any ang mohs clad smartly in white short sleeve shirts, ties and black pants walking in a group of two or three around Toa Payoh central lately. Well, for your info, they are not salesmen or IT personnel. They are actually from a church that is based oversea, preaching their religion to passers-by. Cheeky didn’t know that until he was approached by one on his way to his parents’ home. Actually it was the first time anyone ever approached cheeky to preach about God. Don’t know why, but cheeky thinks it’s because he got a ‘horny’ appearance thus most preachers instantaneously deemed him to be satanic upon seeing him. This particular ang moh guy blocked cheeky in his way and strike up a conversation. Alex: Hi, how are you? Cheeky: Not good, groin area damn itchy. Alex: Eh… ok, my name is Alex, what’s yours? Cheeky: Cheeky. Alex: Nice name. Do you have a religion? Cheeky: I’m a free thinker. Please do not discriminate against me. Alex: Of course not. *suddenly leaning very closely* I say, are you available by any chance? Cheeky instinctively placed his hands behind his backside Cheeky: I’m not gay. You fucking perv. Alex: Haha, sorry. What I mean is, are you available for a chat? Cheeky’s hands still clutched tightly to his butt. Cheeky: What for? Alex: To let you know more about God. Cheeky: Which one? Tua Pei Gong or Tee Gong Alex: Hah? Cheeky: Hah what? My mom told me that these 2 are very powerful gods and can kick a lot of ass ok. Alex: Haha. No, no. The God I’m going to talk to you about is the one mention in the bible Cheeky: Oh, I see. Well, it depends on your sincerity. Alex: Eh… can you define it for me? Cheeky: I’m quite hungry. If you are really sincere, maybe you can buy me dinner and then we can talk it over the meal. Alex’s face contorted slightly as if he kena stroke. Alex: Eh… ok. So being a native, cheeky spared no effort in bringing a foreigner to the best food in Toa Payoh that money can buy. He brought Alex to Crystal Jade to sample all the mouth-watering cuisines. Alex: Eh… I thought we are going to a hawker center or fast food restaurants. Cheeky: *chuckle* Oh Alex Alex, I didn’t know your sincerity is so cheap. *chuckle some more* Aiyah, never mind lah. Anyway nice meeting you. *pretend to leave* Alex: No no wait wait. I’m just joking. Hahaha. With that, we proceed into the restaurant, ordered and began tucking into some expensive and delightful Cantonese dishes. In between mouthfuls of shark fins and abalones, cheeky have in depth discussion with Alex on God and the teaching of the bible. However, Alex seemed to be pre-occupied with something else. Cheeky: Alex, are you okay? Alex: Oh, yah yah, I’m fine. So are we done? Cheeky: You know, there’s this passage in the bible that I’m quite confuse about. Why not we discuss it further over desserts. There’s this durian pudding that this restaurant is famous for, so I was thinking of ordering a few bowls and maybe tapao an additional dozen for my family. You don’t mind hor. Alex: ………. Cheeky: Yo Alex, you there? Alex: Yah yah. Feel free to order anything. Cheeky: Thanks Alex. You are the best preacher ever. Alex: You are welcome. Don’t mind me, but I’ll like to visit the restroom first. Cheeky: Sure, go ahead. Cheeky don’t know what happened to Alex, but that was the last time he ever saw him. Cheeky was feeling pretty indignant about being left waiting in the restaurant like a fool and having to pay for the meals. Oh Alex, why did you do such a thing? Cheeky was almost near to being converted by you, if only you have bought the durian puddings and help to foot the bill. You cut me deep Alex, real deep. So deep in the pockets that Cheeky has to munch on bread/biscuits and plain water for the next few weeks. Please everyone, if you ever see an ang moh wearing white short sleeve shirt, black pants, a tie and carrying a black haversack walking around Toa Payoh central, feel free to give him a kick in the ass. Cheeky would feel most appreciated. And by the way Alex, if you happen to be reading this, cheeky still has the receipt from the restaurant with him. P.S. Calm one has been hounded by chicks who think he looks like Jay Chou. The poor guy is feeling damn stress because of it. As a responsible netizen, cheeky feels that it’s only right that he helps a fellow blogger. So to all the chicks who have been pestering calm one, please leave him alone. If you want, you can harass cheeky. No need to thank me calm one, it’s all in a day’s work for cheeky. In case you are wondering, cheeky really resembles Jay Chou a lot, but only on Tuesday and Thursday. For the rest of the week he resembles Takeshi Kaneshiro and maybe Won Bin on a Sunday.

A letter to Aunt Agony on Valentine's Day

2005-02-14T04:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Aunt Agony, I’m feeling utterly miserable today as it is Valentine’s Day. This is the eight straight year that I’m spending it alone since my boyfriend left me for another guy. This whole Valentine thingy irritates me to no end. The sight of lovey dovey couples whispering sweet nothing to each other while walking down the streets make my blood boils to 240 Fahrenheit and still rising. The smell of roses everywhere I turn make me feel like shredding them to bits with my nicely sharpened manicure nails. Sometimes I have half a mind of grabbing one of those women totally smitten in love by the hair and giving her two tight slaps because I’m so fill with envy and jealousy. If Saint Valentine is alive today, I will skin him alive, drive a steel rod up his ass and through his mouth, brush him with Da Hua barbecue sauce and roast him slowly over a hot sizzling fire and share the finished products with fellow Valentine’s haters. Does Aunt Agony hates Valentine's Day by any chance? Yours Sincerely Maria Dear Maria, Yes, I totally feel your pain. I really do. I hate Valentine’s Day too. Every Valentine’s, scores of men and fancy cars will be queuing right outside my condominium hoping to snag a date with me, thus causing the notorious traffic jam along Scotts road often seen on TV. I will be bombarded with complaints by neighbors and the traffic police, with threats to charge and sue me. My answering machine will almost always go bust due to overwhelming messages requesting for a date. Every where I go, men will be holding up their placards proclaiming their love and admiration for me, thereby embarrassing me further. Because of all these, I become the target of hatred of every woman in Singapore every 14th of Feb. Not that it only happen once in a while, but the situation get extremely worse on Valentine's Day. Even as I’m typing this, bouquets of flowers are being delivered to my apartment at the rate of one every 5 minutes. As much as my apartment is posh and spacious, there’s a limit to how much flowers it can accommodate. You know, sometimes in the middle of the night, I will sit alone in my room, cry and lament why me. Why can’t they leave me alone? What is it about me that men can’t get enough of? What is so desirable about me that cause men to queue outside for hours under the hot sun just to catch a glimpse of me? This whole Valentines thingy is causing me much stress and traumas. I simply can’t get any work done because my routine will be abruptly disrupted on this day. Dear Maria, I share your anguish and despair and I hope through this letter, you will realize that there are people worst off than you on Valentines Day – example, being yours truly- and I hope you can find the courage and strength to go through this treacherous period. Yours Sincerely Aunt Agony

Cheeky was a forum guest

2005-02-08T20:05:00.000-08:00

Cheeky was recently invited to a forum to talk about issues concerning blogging. Cheeky was rather hesitative because he has only blog for a little more than 7 months. Shouldn’t they invite more established and renowned bloggers like Mr Brown, Miyagi san or Xiaxue. But the organizers reassured cheeky that he had all the pedigree to attend the forum as a guest, which by the way was conducted on a grand scale. On such a grand scale my foot. The forum was actually held at the void deck of Blk 123 at Ang Mo Kio Ave 3. But cheeky forgave them on account of having a few hot chicks among the measly number of audiences who has came far and wide to hear cheeky speaks. The forum went well and cheeky obliged the organizer for a Q and A session. The audience were polite until one particular bugger came forward and started to be rude. Bugger: Hello Mr Cheebye. Opps sorry, Mr Cheeky. My name is Xia Lan. Just to let you know first, I’m a fucking smart undergrad from NUS. I’m majoring in English and Political Science and currently I’m also the star debater in my varsity team, so you jolly well don’t fuck around with half fuck replies to my questions. Lim Peh got a few questions to ask you. Cheeky: Eh… nice to meet you Xia Lan. Shoot. Bugger: I came across your blog a few days ago. It’s fucking distasteful. Full of explicit languages and strong sexual contents. What the fuck do you think you are doing. Do you know kids can easily access your blog? You have no fucking moral values. Shame on you. Cheeky: Haha. Firstly, just to reassure you. You don’t put your life at risk by labeling me as someone with no moral values. Now about your comment concerning my blog. Frankly speaking, I can’t do anything about kids accessing my blog. I got no control over such matter. The final responsibility ultimately lies with the parents. If you are not happy with what’s written, don’t read it, ban your kids from reading it. It’s that simple. Bugger: For your info, I don’t need your fucking reassurance. Another question. Do you think there’s a need for stipulation and rules when it comes to blogging. Cheeky: I don’t think there’s a need. Blogging is our last avenue for voicing out our opinions in Singapore. By restricting it with so many rules will only dwindle the number of Singaporean who still has the sense of mind to think and argue about certain issue in the Internet domain. Bugger: Fuck you. With no rules and law in place, how can we be sure that bloggers will not abuse the freedom accorded to them. Even the most enlightened blogger with no checks in place will gradually abused the rights of free speech. Cheeky: Hahaha. I think you over exaggerate the issues. How old is your father? Bugger: Fuck you. You don’t anyhow talk about my father hor. Cheeky: Relax lah. I only want to ask about his age mah. Bugger: My father is fucking plus years old. Nabeh, I mean he’s fifty plus years old. What the fuck you want? Cheeky: If he's 50 plus, then he will remember. You are not going to influence the whole society simply just by voicing out an opinion let alone blogging. People are smart. They are not going to believe everything they read or heard. Bugger: One more question, but I warn you don’t talk about my father again hah. Cheeky: Sure. Lets talk about your mother instead. Bugger: Fuck you. You don’t try to be funny hor. Back to my question. How come I left several comments on your blog, only one managed to get a reply? Cheeky: Hello. Your comments only consist of =), =0, ;-p and :-D. How the fuck am I going to reply. If you are so unhappy about it, go and start your own blog lah. You know how to start a blog right? You don’t know hor, I have friends who can help you. Bugger: Nabeh cheebye. Are you trying to be sarcastic? I’m very tu lang already. After this forum, you better check your back while walking back. You won’t know what the fuck just hit you. And so the forum ended on a rather sour note. The organizer did a good job restraining the bugger from hurting cheeky and thank goodness, no one else hantam Cheeky while he was walking back to the bus stop. After this incident, cheeky don’t think he’s game for another stint as a forum guest because his balls are not made of steel. And yes, the bugger was damn xia lan A note to the organizer: Next time if you are thinking of inviting someone to your forum, at least has the good sense to send him/her back in a cab.

A day in the subway

2005-02-04T19:54:00.000-08:00

Location: Bishan MRT station Time: 15:23 p.m GMT Boarded the train. Found an empty seat opposite a babe. Some young Afro American-wannabe clad in hip-hop attire was sitting beside cheeky. His headphone was blasting some song by 50 cents and he kept nodding his head. It’s so loud, it irritated the hell out of everyone within the vicinity. Yah yah wannabe, we know you are listening to 50 cents. Yah, yah we know you want us to know what song you are listening. Yah yah, we know you want us to know you are hip and cool even though you have no idea, absolutely no idea what the fuck the singer was actually singing. Here’s a dollar, do us a favor, roll over and fuck off at the next station, will ya? Location: Braddell MRT station Time: 15:29 p.m GMT Afro wannabe, surprise surprise, really did fuck off at the next station. But he didn’t roll over. Bastard. An elderly man boarded the train. Everyone fell asleep immediately as if on cue, including the 2 aunties who were yakking away just seconds ago. Simply amazing reflexes. Elderly man chose to stand in front of cheeky. Cheeky act blur and proceeded to stare at the ceiling. The ceiling got a lizard crawling. It’s quite a big lizard. Cheeky’s line of sight travelled along the ceiling until he somehow managed to steal a glance at the babe. The babe sitting opposite of cheeky gave cheeky a look. A look that seemed to say “Inconsiderate twag”. Hoping to impress the babe, cheeky stood up and offered his seat to the elderly man. Cheeky: Come Ah Pek, I let you sit. Ah Pek: Don’t need lah. I’m still fit and healthy. Cheeky: No no, I insists. Ah Pek: TOLD YOU DON'T NEED LOH! By now everyone was awaken by the loud voice and was watching the spectacle in front of them. Cheeky whispered to Ah Pek Cheeky: Ah Pek, you are embarrassing me. Why don’t you just be good and take a seat. Ah Pek: EMBARRASS, EMBARRASS LAH! TOLD YOU DON'T NEED LOH! YOU DEAF HAH!? Cheeky heard some laughter and chuckles. He whispered to Ah Pek again. Cheeky: Ah Pek, please sit down. Please? Ah Pek: YOU SOMETHING WRONG HAH? TOLD YOU SO MANY TIMES I DON'T WANT TO SIT LOH! More laughter and sniggles. Cheeky leaned forward and whispered into Ah Pek’s ear. Cheeky: You left me with no choice then. Cheeky delivered a swift blow to Ah Pek’s lower abdomen, away from the glances of the commuters. Ah Pek groaned softly and immediately crouched down for some support. Cheeky quickly helped him up. Cheeky: Ah Pek, are you feeling unwell? Come come, quick take a seat. Ah Pek sat down, glared at cheeky and muttered softly while still clutching his stomach. Ah Pek: Si Gi Nah (brat) Cheeky scurried off to the other end of the train. Location: Toa Payoh MRT station Time: 15:33 p.m GMT Hordes of people boarded the train, all looking for seats. Seats seemed to be a hot commodity in Singapore. Too bad it’s not traded on the stock exchange. A middle age man standing by the door was digging his nose with much gusto with his index finger. He left his produce by the edge of the door. Someone handphone rang. The ring tone was a song by Ricky Martin. Cheeky felt like shaking his bom bom. An Ah Lian answered the phone. Ah Lian: Halo, Sebastian hah. Wah lau, you not friend lah. Yesterday my birthday, you never call to wish me happy birthday. I told you hor, Alex called me immediately at midnight. Michael called me at 12:03. Richard at 12:05. You leh, never call at all. You not my friend olreadi lah…… Location: Novena MRT station Time: 15:39 p.m GMT More people boarded the train, including a few ang mohs. The ang mohs seemed irritated by the pushing and shoving. Cheeky was now standing besides a man who was only wearing a singlet and berms. The man was balding and has a comb over hairstyle. He raised his arm to grab the handle. This man has an overwhelming supply of armpit hair. Would be a good idea to transplant some of it to his head. Just a thought. By now, Cheeky was feeling slightly nauseous due to the smell of the man’s sweaty armpit. He made his way through the crowd to avoid vomiting. Location: Newton MRT station Time: 15:43 p.m GMT The ang mohs alighted with a disgusted look on their faces. A few people boarded the train including a young couple still wearing their school uniforms. The gal was hugging the guy, with her head resting on his chest. The guy’s left hand was groping the gal’s butt while the other held on to the railing. They were oblivious to the stares from the commuters surrounding them. Cheeky saw a gal standing a few inches away from him. She was wearing a pair of black rim glasses and had her dyed brown hair tied up in a ponytail. A very cute looking gal. She fits Cheeky’s ideal look for a girlfriend. The next few minutes was spending admiring this gal from a distance, but alas, all good things must come to an end at some point of time. Location: Orchard MRT station Time: 15:47 p.m GMT Cheeky alighted. He turned to catch a glimpse of the gal. Their eyes met in the midst of the crowd. She smiled. Cheek’s heart skipped a beat. The train door closed between them and whisked off. The moment was short but sweet. It was good while it lasted. Cheeky proceeded to meet his friends.

A Story about Him and Her

2005-01-31T01:46:00.000-08:00

He was an engineering student at NTU, Who do nothing but surfed porn the whole day. She was a business student at NTU, Who do nothing but blog the whole day. Both shared similar traits and characters. He was obstinate, She was stubborn. He has a foul mouth, She has a wicked tongue. He enjoyed swearing, She enjoyed cursing. He's a bastard, She's a bitch. They were meant for each other. They were next-door neighbors in the hostel they were living in, But they were simply unaware of each other existence. How stupid. Like 2 MRT trains running on parallel tracks, They ran past each other countless of time but never once langga. He always turned left, Because the dustbin was on the left. She always turned right, Because the toilet was on the right. Taking escalator at the same time, He always went up (can see upskirt), She always went down (ZARA and MANGO located on the ground floor). Taking the bus at the same time, One always boarded the bus, While the other always alighted from the bus (EZ Link no money left). One day, while zoboing in the park, The two lives finally converged. He was wearing a singlet and a pair of jeans, one size smaller, 2 sizes tighter, Showcasing his toned biceps and perky butt. She was wearing a tube top and mini skirt, 2 sizes smaller and 3 inches shorter, Showcasing her D cup and long legs. It was lust at first sight. He with blood trickling down from his nose. She with saliva drooling from the corner of her mouth. He let her touched his big big muscles, She taught him how to swear in Cantonese. They made out behind the bush like they were long time lovers. The made out went so well, They decided to exchange phone numbers. Writing it down on 2 pieces of papers. They held it dearly, As if they were ERS forms. But alas, fuck the Singapore weather. It rained. They parted hastily. Fate decided to play a joke on them. When they got home, They discovered the numbers were smudged. Fucking turbines -To be continued-

Great fun with IRC

2005-01-23T21:32:00.000-08:00

Cheeky used to chat in IRC during exam periods to de-stress. IRC for your info, provide a great excuse for you to leave your brain in the fridge and indulge in some mindless conversations with strangers. Great entertainment values plus it’s low cost. Anyway, below is an excerpt of a chat that happened a few years ago. Cheeky aka Mike: Hi, I’m Mike. Anyone care for a chat? 15 minutes gone and not a single person wanted to chat with cheeky. What do you do in such a situation? You change your nick. Cheeky aka Sexy Mike: Hi. Anyone wants to chat? 5 minutes went by and suddenly a message from someone called NUS guy popped up on the screen. NUS guy: You think you are so damn sexy? Why don’t you go fuck yourself. Fucking loser. Hahaha. Hey, come on. There’s no need to be mean. Cheeky just want to chat with someone. Anyone. Drastic situation calls for drastic action. Cheeky decided to change his nick again. Cheeky aka Rachel: Hi, anyone care for a chat? This seems to do the trick. Very soon, a couple of guys attempt to chat up with cheeky, er I mean Rachel. But Rachel ignored them because he, no she no he, oh what the fuck he/she was waiting for that very special person to appear. After a few minutes, that special someone appeared. NUS guy: Hi. Wanna chat? Woohoo!!! The dickhead has knocked on the door. Why don’t we reciprocate and let him in. It’s gonna to be fun. Cheeky aka Rachel: Sure. NUS guy: Intro pls. Don’t they ever change their lines. Rachel: 20/f. U leh? NUS guy: Me 23/m. Are u studying? No, cheeky is lazing at home all day scratching his balls. Rachel: Yup. At NUS. NUS guy: hey, me too. Which faculty are you from? Rachel: Business. NUS guy: I’m from engineering. Where do u live? A few miles from Lim Chu Kang abattoir where your fellow friends are being slaughtered Rachel: At Bishan St 23. NUS guy: Ok. So u got a boyfriend? No, but got plenty of girlfriends. Rachel: No. NUS guy: Yah, me too. Just dumped my previous girlfriend. Hahaha, like real. Rachel: So why did u dump her? NUS guy: Oh. Incompatible characters. She was too possessive. I prefer a bit more freedom for myself. I don’t like my girlfriend restricting my way of life, u know what I mean? So what’s your height and weight? Dickhead is clearly looking for a babe. Lets oblige his request. Rachel: 166cm/43kg. NUS guy: u must be very pretty. Er… if you say so. But cheeky prefer to be called yan dao. Rachel: Ok lah. You leh? Must be very handsome right? NUS guy: Hmmm… my female classmates did say I resemble Daniel Wu a lot. I don’t know lah. I think I resemble Tony Leung more. Someone please pass cheeky a bag. He needs to puke. Rachel: So are u on a look out for a new girlfriend? NUS guy: I don’t think there’s a need. I think I have found one right in you. Make that bag a large one. Rachel: haha, u are a smooth talker. NUS guy: Gift of the gab is just one of my many virtues u know. If you don't mind, can I know your vital statistic. Sure. It's 11 inches in length Rachel: 36-24-36. NUS guy: Wow! Do u have a photo that u could send to me. Oh oh. How? Rachel: u send me your first lah. NUS guy: Ok, but after that u promise to send me yours. Promise me hah. Promise your head lah. Rachel: sure. Dickhead DCC his photo over. Haha, really look like Tony Leung. The pirated version of the pirated version of Tony Leung. Rachel: Wah, u look very handsome leh. NUS guy: Thanks. A lot of people said that. Still puking NUS guy: Now u must send me yours hor. Rachel: I don’t have to. U just have to buy the latest copy of Maxim. I’m on page 12 wearing a pink bikini. NUS guy: Wah serious? U are a model? No, but Cheeky got a lot of model areoplanes at home. Rachel: I’m just a part timer. Nothing to shout about. NUS guy: Tomorrow, I will buy one copy, first thing in the morning. I’m sure you will, you fucking piece of shit. NUS guy: Can I have your number? Of course. The number is 999 Rachel: er… I’m not that keen to give my number to strangers. Why don’t u leave me yours. NUS guy: ermm… ok. My number is 9xxxxxxx. Woohooo, tomorrow go buy toto and 4D NUS guy: can I meet you in person? Cheeky very shy leh. How? Rachel: er…. Sure. But I want to bring a friend along. NUS guy: No problem. Is she a gal by the way. Rachel: No. It’s a guy. But u know him too. NUS guy: u are kidding me right? What’s his name? Rachel: Sexy Mike. NUS guy:…………………………Chao cheebye!!! Wahahahaha. See IRC can be so fun. However, if you are looking for a life partner or soul mates, the IRC is not the right avenue because all kinds of people with undesirable motives and traits exist in the chat room. Better to be entertained, don't you think?

One of the many reasons why China will rise to become a superpower in the world.

2005-01-16T20:39:00.001-08:00

From Germany From Russia From The United Kingdom From The United States of America And finally, from China

Investigation into Taupoking

2005-01-12T20:19:00.000-08:00

A piece of taupok. Who would have thought that it could caused so much controversy. With the complaint of a parent whose son is studying in a premier school located somewhere in the Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area, cheekybynature dive deep into this fiasco to find out what the hell is taupoking? What are its long-term consequences? Do the students from the premier school located somewhere in Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area have nothing better to do? Are all the students from the premier school located somewhere in the Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area aware of the dangers taupoking bring to the victims? A student studying in the premier school located somewhere in the Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area, who wanted to known only as Chris. Reporter: So Chris, tell me. Why is the game call Taupok. Why not Kway Teow or Bak Chor Mee? Chris: Well according to my seniors, the game was originally called “Touch Ball”. A term coined in American football. However we decided to call it “taupok” to give it a local flavor. Reporter: Are there any safety precautions we need to adhere to when indulging in taupoking? Chris: Ok, for a start, we do not taupok fat people or anyone with BO. We’re just gonna to make life difficult for ourselves by doing that. Also, it is advisable for guys not to wear boxer shorts and for gals to wear a good bra. Taupoking is a physical and rigorous activity, you wouldn’t want your balls or boobs to be flying all over the places. Always make sure you stay away from the victim’s legs. A mean kick sustained could render you ineligible for the A level for quite a few months. Reporter: So taupoking can take place anytime and anywhere? Chris: Yes, taupoking can take place when you least expected. Even when……TAUPOKKK!!!!!!!!!! Reporter kena taupok by students. A victim of taupoking, who used to study in the premier school located somewhere in the Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area and wanted to be known only as Alan. Reporter: So Alan, tell me, what happened that day? Alan: It was awful……I was minding my own business when………I’m sorry. Reporter: It’s ok. Take your time. Long Pause Alan: I was walking along the corridor minding my own business when suddenly, someone shouted TAUPOK. Reporter: And then? Alan: The next thing I knew, fatso Tan and big ass Chong from S5A were sitting on top of me with a couple of other guys. Then I passed out. When I woke up, I was in the hospital. Reporter: Did you suffer any serious injuries? Alan: A few of my ribs were broken. I stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks and underwent physiotherapy for another 3 months. I also have counseling sessions thrice a week to help me get over the trauma. Reporter: Have your life change in anyway after that fateful day. Long Pause Alan: I can never look at a piece of taupok the same way again. My mom has to remove all pieces of taupoks before I can tuck into my favorite bowl of Laksa. Reporter: Do you bear any grudges towards your peers? Bloody long pause again Alan: No. But I would have loved the gals to taupoked me instead. A statement from the Ministry of Education: The ministry is taking a serious view into the incident. We wish to reassure the public, especially the parents, that the incident happened only within the premises of the premier school located somewhere in the Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area. It is an isolated incident and there is no cause for alarm. However, as a safeguard, the ministry has send personnels down to the school to investigate the matter. We also have experienced counselors on hand to counsel the affected students and teachers. All those involved in “Taupoking” have been rounded up and interrogated. A few have been short listed and drafted into the combined school rugby team where they can utilize their talents in a better way. Dr Pang, a psychiatrist with the Institute of Mental Health. Reporter: In your opinion, why did the students come up with a stupid game like taupoking? Dr Pang: Being premier has its price to pay you know. My years of experience tell me that the students studying in that premier school located somewhere in the Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area have enormous stress and frustrations inside them. They needed an outlet to vent it all out, that’s probably why they invented this taupoking game. Reporter: Dr Pang what are the signs to look out for in a victim who has been subjected to taupoking? Dr Pang: First of all, the victim will experience withdrawal symptom. It is best to leave the victim alone in the initial stages. The victim will also display an utter disgust towards anything made of soybeans. Reporter: Is there anything that could help to lessen the trauma or anything that could speed up the recovery? Dr Pang: I think that it would be wise for the family of the victim to remove anything at home that have a slight resemblance to a taupok. For example, Spoongebob Squarepants cartoons and any TV programs with Mark Lee in it should be barred. Group activities, especially those that require close proximity should be avoided at all cost. The road to recovery will be long and treacherous, it would be good if the family can participate in counseling sessions with the victims to lessen their pain and be more accommodating and understanding toward the victim’s needs. Ah Fatt, a hawker selling dried bean curds at Pasir Panjang wholesale centre. Reporter: Tell me Ah Fatt, has the taupoking incident affected your business in any way? Ah Fatt: Hah? Reporter: I said, has the taupoking incident affected your business in any way? Ah Fatt: Simi Lan Jiao? Reporter: No. Not Lan Jiao, it’s taupok. Ah Fatt: Pok your head lah pok. Go away lah cheebye, I very busy lah.

JC Orientation

2005-01-05T01:36:00.000-08:00

With the start of the new school year, all the JCs will be conducting their orientations. Yes, it does bring back memories now that cheeky thinks about it. If you haven't know, one of the staple event in any JC orientations is mass dance. This is when horny young men and nubile young gals got paired up to master some dance steps chronograph by the student councilors. Cheeky remembers that he and his cohort were all huddled up into the hall. Everyone knew that it’s time for mass dance when the student councilors started to shut all the doors in the hall due to the repeated history of people slipping out during the dance in previous years. Yes, the government has successfully imbedded its style of governing into schools. A group of Chinese High students, with their tight little shorts and hairy legs, started moaning about wasting their time learning some stupid dance, but then we all know that deep down, they are eager to get the dance started. Horny hypocrites. So when the time came for everyone to pair up, the same group of Chinese High students was busy scouting for their long lost sisters from Nanyang Girls. Cheeky was scanning the hall for some convent girls. Don’t know why but cheeky was especially smitten with convent girls. Must be their uniform. But as luck would have it, cheeky was paired up with a butch in the mould of Joscelin Yeo. If it wasn't for her school uniform, cheeky would have mistaken her as a guy. But being a gentleman, cheeky nevertheless tried to strike up a conversation with her. Cheeky: Hi, my name is cheeky. Butch: Cut the small talk and listen up twag. I know all the filthy things that went through a guy’s mind. Don’t even think about it. I have 3 things to warn you about. First, my chest area and butt are off limit. Keep your filthy hands in their proper places. Second, I have a black belt in Taekwondo. Thirdly, your groin will always be within the sight of my kneecaps. One stupid move from you and wham bang. I don’t have to spell out what happens right. You get my drift? It was an agonizing 90 minutes since cheeky knew that his manhood was under constant threat from that menacing looking kneecaps. We were dancing to Timmy Thomas “ Dying Inside to Hold You”, but cheeky was dying inside to get out because he was being manhandled literally by that butch. Another staple game for orientation is water bombs. Cheeky believes that guys invented the game so that we could have an excuse to wet the gals’ shirt. There are 3 commandments that all guys playing the water bombs have to abide to. The codes are: 1. Thou shall not waste your water bombs on your fellow brothers. 2. Thou shall conspire with your fellow brothers to wet as many chicks as possible. 3. Thee pursuit shall be relentless until objective (2) is met. Cheeky has one advice to dispense to gals playing water bombs. Please wear extra clothings, because when it comes to water bombs, even mommy’s boys can turn lecherous and beastly in an instant. Just ask those Chinese High students.

New Current Affair Program

2005-01-04T01:51:00.000-08:00

Cheekybynature is proud to announce the launch of a new current affair program in the mould of America's 60 minutes. This new current affair program will be fronted by Dick O'Reilly, a veteran journalist who has worked for New York Times and Washington Post. Dick, by the way, is now a Singapore PR and happily married to a sarong party girl. The program will invite guests who are renowned in their respective fields. Unlike lame mainstream media who are too politically correct in their questioning, the program will be very upfront and ask all the hardass questions. Questions that really need an answer. Answers that the common folks really seek. No efforts will be spared and the guests will be subjected to interrogation-style questioning. Since we all know that important people like to shrug off difficult questions with half-baked shit replies, this new current affair program will be aptly named "6 minutes Full of Shits". The program will be updated sporadically and will make its debut in a few weeks time. The first guest will be the President of Singapore, S.R Nathan. Watch this blog.

Interview with ex-Mediaworks Artistes

2005-01-02T20:22:00.000-08:00

With the merger of mediacorp and mediaworks, we are once again back to square one. Despite all the fake fronts put up by both side, we all know that deep down there are bound to be some sort of resentments and anger. That’s why cheekybynature has dispatch its most bitchy showbiz reporter, Kate who by the way has a mean tongue to match her body, to hunt down former mediaworks artistes and ask them how they feel about the whole thing. Kate: hi Ix Ix Shen: oh hi Kate: So Ix, how does it feel to be back in Mediacorp? Ix: I think it’s great. It’s a great feeling to be seeing lots of familiar faces and maybe a chance to act alongside my good buddy Tay Ping Hui again. Kate: are you sure you are going back to Chinese drama division? Ix: of course, I’m a credible actor, where else do you think I’m going. Kate: Well, according to my source, there’s a high possibility that you are moving to Kids’ Central. Ix: Nah, it can’t be true. Kate: well, frankly speaking, the audiences are all for it. You’ll be doing a great public service. Ix: what the fuck do you mean by that? Kate: I mean considering your woody acting and deadpan expression, it would make a lot of sense to place you in a role where not much acting is required Ix: Nabeh. Kate: think of it this way, there’s no need for you to work on any facial expressions knowing your head is hidden in a costume, ala Barney, Bananas in Pajamas or Teletubbies. Ix: Nabeh cheebye. Kate: Chill Ix, sometimes you have to face the fact. Your acting really sucks. Ix: Ok, I don’t know why, but my hand is gradually transforming into a fist, so you better scram while you still can. Kate: Hi Adam. Adam Chen: Nice to meet you. Kate: Ok, a few questions to ask you. How does it feel to be working alongside your girlfriend Cynthia Koh now that you are in Mediacorp? Adam: Haha, not much really. Kate: Oh come on, surely there’s must be some contentment. Adam: Haha, ok, maybe a bit. Kate: So have you recce the whole place. Found any good spot to make out with Cynthia? Adam: I don’t know what you are talking about. Kate: Come on, don’t act blur. There’s a lot of spare time to make out in between shootings you know. Adam: I’m sorry, I like to make a move. I have a job to do. Kate: A job to do? Where? Back alley, toilet or in the bush? Adam: You are nuts! Kate: Hi Darren, care to spare a few minutes? Darren Lim: Sure. Kate: Is it awkward for you to be going back and seeing your ex bosses and colleagues. Darren: No no, not at all. I’m glad to be back in Mediacorp. I have made a lot of good friends before I left. I think with the merger, we are able to pool our resources together and put out more credible programs for the audiences. I can’t wait to see my old colleagues, we have a lot to catch up. Our bonds are incredibly strong despite being away for 4 years. Kate: Wah, so PR. You rehearse many times at home is it? Darren: No lah. I speak from the heart. Kate: Ok, I’m sure everyone will be eager to know. How did you manage to impregnate your wife on the very first night of your wedding, on the very first try? Darren: I don’t share my sex life with the public, sorry. Kate: Did you tried out any specific position or consumed any special tonics. Were any kinky toys involved in the whole process? Come on, the country is facing a declining birthrate, dispense some advices to all those pitiful childless couples. Don’t be niao lah. Darren: I’m really sorry, I’m very uncomfortable with your style of questioning. Kate: Have you consider joining our national football team. They are really in need of a prolific “goal scorer” like you. One shot, one goal. Darren: I’m sorry, I really have to go. Kate: Ann, nice to see you again. Ann Kok: What the fuck you want? Kate: Wow, Ann. Why the mean streak in you? Ann: 6 years out in the wilderness, now I’m back to claim my rightful place as the queen of Caldecot Hill. Fuck off Zoe Tay. Fuck off Fann Wong. Kate: Pardon my rudeness, but what make you so sure you are up there in the pecking order to replace the queen? Ann: Hahaha. I have seen Zoe Tay a few days ago. Lets just say she’s has not been taking good care of herself. Quite a few wrinkles on her face and her boobs, although bloated from the pregnancy, have been really saggy. I foresee her days as queen are numbered. As for Fann Wong, she is in the middle of her mating season with Christopher Lee, way too distracted to know what’s going on. This left me as the only credible, attractive and sexy actress on Caldecot Hill. Not to mention I have the biggest boobs around now that Ann Poh is out of the business. Kate: Ehm… all this still does not convince me you can usurp the throne. Ann: Haha, I learned from my Kei Lei Fei (extras) days in Hong Kong that to be successful in the showbiz, one has to seduce a dick head who has some influence in the organization. I can tell you frankly that I have just one firmly held in my ample bosom now. Kate: May I know who? Ann: Nah, can’t tell. Now just fuck off and make way for the queen. Ben Yeo: Hi Kate: Eh…. Hi Ben: Aren’t you going to ask me some questions? Kate:…………….. Ben: Go on, I’m glad to answer any of your questions. Kate: Will you let me go if I do that? Ben: Yah sure. Go on, I’m eager to answer. Kate: How does it feel to join Mediacorp? Ben: I’m extremely delighted to be joining an organization that will offer me ongoing challenges and opportunities. The company is a respectable name in the industry with proven track records in churning out good quality shows in the region. I’m proud to be part of this family and I hope I can excel in my career here. Kate: Can I go now? Please? Kate: Hi Yifeng. Free for an interview? Quan Yifeng: Sure. I always have time for my favorite reporter. Kate: First off. Considering the bad blood between you and the management prior to your sacking a few years ago, do you think the ties can be mended? Yifeng: Sure. All those things happened in the past. Let bygone be bygone and start off on a new footing. Kate: From what I know, the management has not forgiven you for your misdemeanor and your attitudes. Yifeng: Don’t be silly, if that’s the case they wouldn’t have offered me a contract in the first place. Kate: According to my source, the reason they lure you back by offering you a contract, is to slowly have fun making your life a living hell while you are here. Yifeng: I don’t think your source is reliable and it doesn’t make sense. I’m one of the very few capable and eloquent Chinese compere left in Singapore. Where are they going to find another person to replace me if they spite me off? Kate: My source is pretty credible. Yifeng: Ok ok, even if it’s true, I don’t care a damn. I’m a strong woman who has weathered many storms and overcoming many challenges thrown to me. I’m simply not intimidated by anything anymore. What can they possibly do to me? Kate: I heard they are transferring you to Vasantham Central Quan Yifeng suddenly fainted.

Last post of the year

2004-12-28T01:39:00.000-08:00

Suppose to end the year with a boh liao post and then the earthquake happened. Decided to welcome 2005 with a poem instead. P.S: Please don't go Awwwwww here Awwwww there after reading it hor, cheeky is not use to it. A POEM OF HOPE Composed by a young girl in Belarus, Russia, near the site of the Chernobyl Nuclear Disaster Area. One song can spark a moment, One flower can wake the dream. One tree can start a forest, One bird can herald spring. One smile begins a friendship, One handclasp lifts a soul. One star can guide a ship at sea, One word can frame the goal. One vote can change a nation, One sunbeam lights a room, One candle wipes out darkness, One laugh will conquer gloom. One step must start each journey, One word must start each prayer. One hope will raise our spirits, One touch can show you care. One voice can speak with wisdom, One heart can know what's true. One life can make the difference. You see, it's up to YOU!

Nabeh, it's that bitch Aunt Agony again

2004-12-23T01:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Aunt Agony, A few weeks ago, I was window shopping with my friends when I was stopped in my track by an elegant and stunning dress being displayed at the window. It was love at first sight, albeit an expensive one by my standard. The dress cost a whopping $1.2K, which is almost 3/4 of my pay. Nevertheless, I started forgoing my meals, scrimped and saved whatever available money I had to buy the dress. On the day of purchase, I happily went into the shop when lo and behold, I saw another beautiful and stylish dress next to my desired dress. Both look really great and cost the same amount of money and now I'm stumped. Oh Aunt Agony, I'm in a dilemma, which dress should I buy? Yours Sincerely Dolly Dear Dolly, Oh dear, oh my. It is indeed a dilemma. Aunt Agony truly empathize with your predicament. This is what you should do. Go to your kitchen and grab the table cloth. After that, find a good tailor to make a dress out of it. Not only is it cheap and durable, the fabric also match your personality perfectly, which I presume by the way, to be crap. Yours Sincerely Aunt Agony

A chat with '04 and '05

2004-12-20T01:56:00.001-08:00

2004: Hi cheeky, a few more days from now, I'll be out of your life. So how, have I been a good companion for you? Cheeky: You sucks!!! 2004: Yo yo yo cool it dude. What's seems to be the problem? Cheeky: You are as forgettable as Mariah Carey in Glitters. As boring as most of the contestants in S'pore Idols and as lame as the piece of chicken chop that I had for lunch. 2004: Oh come on, there's no need to be mean. I'm sure I had provided you with ample opportunities and memorable moments. Cheeky: Nah, blank. Like my bank account 2004: You started a blog, didn't you? Cheeky: Yah, so? 2004: So, that's a notable achievement. Cheeky: Hahaha...I never laugh so hard. You made my day. 2004: Hey, stop being sarcastic man. Cheeky: I'm not. Really. But you can make it up for me before you go. 2004: And what will that be? Cheeky: Help me strike 4D. 2004: Man, you are such a materialistic bastard. Cheeky: A materialistic and handsome bastard, thank you very much. Think of it this way, you'll leave a favorable and lasting impression in my mind. 2004: Well, let me tell you this, smartass, it is as much your fault, as it is mine that you have no notable accomplishments. I can only do so much. I go with a clear conscience. You should be thankful that at least I keep your love ones well and healthy. Cheeky: Ok, on that count, I do agree you are due for some credits. But overall, you still kind of sux. 2004: You know what? You are not worth me standing here listening to your insults and craps. I'm going to the white house, at least Georgie accorded me some appreciations and respect. Cheeky: Good for you. 2005: Hello everyone. 2004: What the fuck are you doing here? You are not due for another 12 days. 2005: Oh you know. It's kind of like a PR thingy. Working the ground, getting acquainted with various issues and so on before I take over. Cheeky: I say, '05, you look great. Much better than your brother. 2005: You think so? Why thanks. Everyone said that, especially the politicians. Don't know why. Cheeky: In fact, I think you'll do a much better job than your brother. 2004: Stop sucking up to my brother, you shameless scumbag. 2005: Yo relax bro, he just being nice. 2004: As if. Cheeky: If you don’t mind me ’05, I like to introduce myself. I’m cheeky, NRIC S-------G. A good likable person with a kind soul currently residing in Singapore. Can do with a bit of luck in my career and maybe some understanding from the GF. Not forgetting to add that some moolah can go a long way in helping me to become a better person and directly contribute to the well being of my friends and family. Are you taking note of that ’05? Oh did I mention that you have an awesome butt and telegenic face, as well as an infectious personality that makes everyone warms up to you instantly. Haha. 2005: You really think so? Man, you are such a nice guy. You just make it into my list of top 100 favorite people of all time. Cheeky: Oh is it? I don’t really hanker for such status. I mean seriously, I’m just speaking the truth. 2005: Haha… Let me assure you that you’ll be well taken care of while I’m in charge. 2004: Oh get real bro. He just an ass kisser. You are way smarter than that. Cheeky: If speaking the truth makes me an ass kisser, so be it. I bear no grudges whatsoever. 2005: Chill it ’04. Shouldn’t you be visiting Saddam in his cell? Heard he’s cursing you left, right, center. Now hurry along now and pacify that big baby. 2004: Oh just fuck it ok. No one appreciates all the good work I have done. I’m going to Georgie. To hell with the lot of you. Cheeky: Man, what a sore loser. 2005: Well. I must admit, he had a tough year. Cheeky: Could you do me a favor? 2005: Shoot. Cheeky: Tell him to go easy on me in his last 11 days, will ya? 2005: Consider it done, dude.

A very kinky toy

2004-12-13T22:36:00.000-08:00

Does anyone know what this is? Here are some comments by its users: "It does the job very well. It has caused a couple snags here and there, but overall, it's been great". "It works well as I expected. It's tickling sometimes but no big problem so far". "Compact size and ease of handling. Can be quite painful though if you don't have the basic skill to utilize it properly". "My boyfriend was simply delighted with it. Our relationship improved because of it". "Works well and is very quiet. Does the job that is required. Much more efficient than the old one that I used to have". "Good ergonomic design for the hand". "Size - it fits into places no others would attempt to go". "It is well constructed, easy to use, the right size to hold in the hand". It's actually a nose hair trimmer. What were you thinking about, you perv. Don't tell anyone you read this blog leh, cheeky don't know you. Yes, cheeky has decided to get one instead of using a tweezer to pluck or scissor to trim because he is a lazy bum. All you have to do is to stuff it inside your nostril, push a button and let the toy do its work. Cheeky is also thinking of getting the industrial strength model for his friend. Years of neglects has led to massive overgrowth in the surrounding area. Sometimes the friend, in between talking, has to open his mouth to catch big gasp of air to substain his breathing. Poor fellow. Cheeky is really worried he might suddenly collapse due to suffocation. So everyone, if you have friends with huge amount of disgusting nasal hair, get one of this as a x'mas present for him/her. They will be very thankful. It might just save his/her life.

A little adventure

2004-12-08T21:14:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone, yes life has been pretty mundane lately, so much so cheeky has nothing to blog about. That's why cheeky's asking you for your opinions on what topic to blog about today. So lets see....... Hands up if you want cheeky to blog about social issue. Ooookay. How about politics? What about sex? Hahaha, you people darn horny hor. Anyway, Cheeky shall blog about a little adventure he and his friends embarked on at JB when he was just a 15 years old horny teenager. It all started with a conversation with a few other horny classmates. (bear in mind that the internet was still not widely used when this story took place) classmate A: wah lau, the police raided the porn shop near my house yesterday, now no more goodies to watch already. Sian lah. classmate B: yah lor, now Singapore very hard to find porn vcds leh. I went Sim Lim last week, all closed shop already. How, I still got a few titles I wanna buy leh. classmate C: aiyah, go JB lah, JB alot, somemore so cheap. classmate A: then lets go this Saturday lah. cheeky: you guys should be ashamed of yourself......... I'm so disgusted by your behavior. classmate C: why leh? cheeky: my vcds haven't return me yet, dare to talk about buying more vcds. classmate A: sorry lah, I return you tomorrow lah. cheeky: that's better. So Sat on boh? classmate A, B and C: On nah. And so cheeky and co. met up on Sat. and proceeded across the causeway with a spring in our steps. We took a cab upon reaching JB and instructed the driver to take us to City Plaza or is it Holiday plaza (cheeky not very sure). City/holiday plaza, if memories serve cheeky right, look a bit like Sim Lim, not too brightly lit with never ending stories of shops. Our hormones started working in overdrive once we reached the place, because right before our very eyes, were rows and rows of shops selling porns. Hallelujah. We took a few silent minutes to thank God and proceeded on a shopping spree. Cheeky truly understand how women felt at that point of time. We wasted no time in scooping up the goodies like kids in a toy store. Every shop owners we patronized recognize us as singaporean even before we started to speak, don't know why. After we were satisfied with our haul, we went to buy 2 big tins of Kong Guan biscuits. We took out all the biscuits, stashed our stuff in the tin and then filled it up with the biscuits again. We were like pro man. After that, the real challenge began. How to get past the custom. When we reached the Singapore custom, there were 3 policemen talking cock nearby. We decided to take our chance and calmly walked past them with hands carrying the Kong Guan biscuits (we had a toss of the coin to decide who got to carry the two tins, unfortunately cheeky was one of the two). Cheeky gave a salute to our president Wee Kim Wee's portrait as we went by. Haha, it was meant to be a sarcastic gesture. We never knew the whole operation was going to be so smooth and we cursed ourselves for not buying more. We were long gone before the police even had the chance to scratch his balls. All this talks about stringent checks at the checkpoint were all a load of craps. 4 horny teenagers with 2 big suspicious tins of biscuits at the checkpoint and what did the police do? They smoked, talk cock and completely ignored us. Anyway, we gleefully made our way to the MRT and count our blessing. Strange to say, we never made another trip across the causeway to make more purchase even though we were not caught. Maybe because we believed that we wouldn't be so lucky everytime. On another note, cheeky's mum asked him why he so guai, bought biscuits for the family when he reached home. Cheeky told her he was filial mah. Hahaha. This is just another story from cheeky's growing up years, very bor liao right. Haha, told you already, nothing much to blog mah.

Top 5 cities

2004-12-07T18:14:00.000-08:00

Cheeky has been sending CVs to every god damn company in countries throughout the world. Haha, partly because cheeky wants to experience the buzz and adventures of living and working abroad, partly for fun. E-mail don't need money one, just send loh, no harm what. By now, companies spanning 3/4 of the globe should have heard of a talent called cheeky, haha. Cheeky has compiled a list of the top 5 cities he wants to live and work in.

5. Sydney

The place is so laid-back, the chances of you getting hyper-tension is akin to cheeky being able to vote in the next general election. Not to mention, enjoying a few rounds of drinks with exile opposition members if they happen to pass by the city.

4. Vienna

The music capital of the world. People there can't be too bad since their city has a label to live up to. Plus, it has everything of the good old charm of a typical European city.

3. Hong Kong

Woohooo. A very dynamic city. The most "goggled" country by expat wannabes.

2. Tokyo

Too much things to do here. Life never gets boring. Somemore a lot of babes. For a country of 120 millions, at least 2 out of ten must be a chio bu right.

1. New York

What can I say, she is the epitome of city living

Electric Dreams

2004-12-03T05:08:00.000-08:00

Cheeky has been reminiscing about the past in the last few days. Don't know why. Is it quarter life crisis......maybe. Anyway, cheeky was lying on the bed, thinking and day dreaming and then suddenly remembered this movie that cheeky had watched when he was still a little boy. Has anyone watched this movie before. It's a movie set in the 80's with cheesy love songs and all things 80s. It's a heart warming and funny movie that revolved around an unique love triangle that's sure to tickle your funny bone and maybe shed a few tears as well. Here's a review of the movie from IMDb. This upbeat love story features an architect named Miles who decides to modernize his life by buying a computer. Not knowing a thing about them he purchases the biggest most power system he can get ahold of, and wastes no time in having all sorts of accidents - dropping it, spilling wine on it, cross wiring it. All of which ends up causing something amazing to happen, the computer gains self-awareness! Using it's word processor, speakers and microphone the computer learns to communicate with Miles and they become friends as he teaches it about life. Then a pretty chello player moves in next door and the shy Miles and super-intelligent but inexperienced computer conspire to get her to love Miles in the best tradition of Cyrano. After the computer and the woman start to share music together through the heating ducts the computer falls for the woman too. Soon man and machine are battling for who has the right to date her. In the end the computer concludes that it doesn't have a chance with the woman and wishes the couple a happy life together. It arranges for it's own destruction after it requests a musical tribute to the new couple on a local radio station. The film features wonderful music, animated dream sequences, and high comedy farce as the computer tries to compete with Miles. There were a few scenes that captivated Cheeky, one was when the computer and Madeline did a duet of the musical piece Lover's concerto, she using a cello and the computer, well its own software programs. Another was when the computer "killed" itself to fufil the love between Miles and Madeline. And last but not least the ending, when the song "Together in a Electric Dreams" was played and the whole city started dancing on their feet, giving you an exhilarating joy and feeling. Those of you who went to Zouk during mambo nights should find the song familiar. Credits must be given to the songs in the movie because they gave the movie an added dimension. Songs like "love is love" by culture club, "Electric Dreams" by P.P Arnold and of course the classic mentioned earlier by Human League with Philip Oakey. On and on, a charming movie with a bit of everything for everyone, and cheeky is sure some of you will get a little teary eyed after watching it. If you have not watch it, cheeky strongly recommend it.

Speaking efficiently

2004-12-01T18:19:00.000-08:00

Years ago, no wait, months ago when cheeky was still studying in JC, we used to have mock debates during our GP lessons. On one particular debate, the topic was about foreign talent. Cheeky remembered this debate well because of a small incident. You see, one of cheeky's classmates used the term Hongkies in one of his arguments, and coincidently, we had a classmate who's from Hong Kong. So Mr Hongkies became agitated upon hearing it and started to verbally attack the classmate. The debate was disrupted and our GP tutor quickly asked for a closing statement from the 2 teams. Chill Hongkies chill. Please do not blame us, it's not our fault. It was never our intention to use derogatory term. Blame the government. The government has instill the values of efficiency on us from a very young age so much so that we began to incorporate it into our daily lives without us knowing, from the way we work to the way we speak. Why use 3 syllabus when 2 syllabus will do. Why string 20 words in a sentence when 2 words are enough to convey the same message. So to all foreign talents, when the next time you talk to us and we sounded rude, please don't blame us, we are just trying to be efficient in the way we speak. What, you are not convinced. Well then let cheeky show you 2 examples to illustrate what speaking efficiently is all about. Ang Moh scenario: A waiter deliver a dish to a diner in a restaurant. The diner takes a look at the dish and say to the waiter. Diner: It seems that you have brought me the wrong dish, my friend. I ordered a set meal not a sirloin steak. Waiter: Oh dear, oh my. God bless her Majesty. I say, I have indeed made a mistake. Please accept my deepest apology sir. I will see to it that you get your set meal right away. Diner: Hey, no problem at all. We all made mistakes at some point in our lives. God bless her Majesty. The waiter went and returned with the correct dish. Wah lau eh, Ang moh not only have long arms and legs, they also have very long tongues. Talk so much cock. Singaporean scenario: A waiter deliver a dish to a diner in a restaurant. The diner takes a look at the dish and say to the waiter. Diner: Nahbeh. Waiter: What!? Diner: Wrong dish lah. Waiter: Sorry lah. The waiter went and returned with the correct dish. Look at that everyone, efficiency at its best. Short and sharp. And what do we do with all the time we saved? We use it to queue for 4D, Toto and NDP tickets. We are really an efficient nation, don't you think.

Singapore Idol special coverage

2004-11-29T18:26:00.000-08:00

Yes, everyone. It's just days before the final of Singapore Idols. To get in the hoove and groove of it, cheekybynature as a hip and trendy blog, get on the street and ask the following famous people who they think will be the first ever Singapore Idol. Yo yo yo, it's going to be Taufik, no doubt about it. You wanna to know why? Because brudder Taufik has borrowed my favourite pair of white panties, the one with the lace around it, and he's going to wear it on the final. Woohooo, go Taufik go, go panties go. I ain't goin to give a hoot who wins it. What kind of a competition is this without any Americans in it! Oh, I like the guy called Taufik. He looks kind of cute and marvelicious, you know, chubby face and lovely smile. And I like his butt, so perky and firm. Oh my god, wait. I think my nose is starting to bleed. Someone get me a bucket please. Please, it's urgent. It's going to be Sylvester. I recognise a fine cock when I see one. And Sylvester is one hell of a cock. I'm going for Sylvester cause he looks like a fine chap. No, wait..... I think Taufik is a better bet with his singing, no, wait.....ok, I say it going to be Sylvester since he got lots of fans but on the other hand Taufik has his own supporters too.....so lets see...... damn it..... I have no idea unless they take off all their clothes. I judge a winner by his er...size. Are you trying to insult and antagonize me, you jerk. You know jolly well there are no cable and electricity in my cave here in Tora Bora........Hey friend, I say, is that a roll of toilet paper sticking out from your bag? Could you spare me one? I'm sick of using my hands. Taufik is my man. He got neat hair and good skin. Sylvester, on the other hand looks like he hasn't bath for days. I like my boy prim and proper and clean. Oh, sorry, I have to go, the warden shout for lights out. Oh man, how can your idol fights with our idol, alamak. Use your brain lah. But if you die die want me to choose, I choose Sylvester because he's a mirror image of your country. Cocky and full of shit. Malaysia Boleh. BOO! Did I scare you. No? Shit. Sadako is feeling very miserable in my well here. You know why? This idols crap has overtaken me as the scariest creation ever. Damn you lackeys, damn you. Hello, my name is Ah Long. I'm a bookie from Geylang hor. Just want to tell you the odds. It's 1.3 for Taufik and 1.6 for Sylvester. Hurry up and place your bets hor.

A typical day in cheeky's life

2004-11-24T20:47:00.000-08:00

Haha, got inspired by Eddy entry (not Eddy Neo by the way). Here goes: A typical day in cheeky's life 7.30 AM Woke up, had a quick shower and a splendid breakfast 8.30 AM Left the house for work in cheeky's newly bought porsche. 9.00 AM Arrived at the office. 11.00 AM He called and asked for a lunch appoinment with cheeky. 12.00 PM Left for lunch. Reached the place. Saw him already seated at a table. He seeked cheeky's advices on the economy. Cheeky suggested a few recommendations. He was impressed by cheeky business acumen and invited cheeky to join his party. He promised cheeky full minister status within a year. Cheeky politely declined. Cheeky looks fat in white 1.00 PM Went for board of directors meeting at Temasek Holdings. Everyone tried to sa ka cheeky. Cheeky ignored them. 3.00 PM Back in cheeky's office. 4.00 PM He called. He urged cheeky to be the lead actor in his next movie. Cheeky turned him down due to tight schedule. He sounded very disappointed. Cheeky asked him about Tony Leung, he replied cheeky got more charisma than him. Cheeky smiled, thanked him for his compliment and hanged up. 5.00 PM Knocked off. Saw this nutcase on the street. He kept pestering cheeky to hear him sings. Cheeky became irritated and showed him cheeky's "devine" finger. Nutcase hurrriedly fucked off from cheeky's sight. 6.00 PM Have dinner here with mates. Cheeky's dinner. 7.30 PM Proceeded to this place after dinner for some world class concert. 10.30 PM Concert ended. Bumped into her. She begged cheeky to give their relationship another chance. Cheeky said no. It's a matter of principle. She sobbed dearly upon hearing it. 11.00 PM

Went to zouk for some late night partying. Cheeky changed his mind after seeing the crowd.

12.00 MN Reached home. 12.30 AM Checked emails. 1.30 AM Went to sleep.

Cheeky's letter to Agony Aunt

2004-11-22T18:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Agony Aunt, My friends has been dissuading me from writing to you because they think you are a bitch. I disagree. You are more than a bitch. The reason I write to you is not really to seek advices, but rather to seek an outlet to vent my frustrations. Life for me has not been smooth sailing these past few days. I'm saddled with problems on all three fronts, career, relationship and family. Sometimes I wish I could just fly away. Even the stray dogs near my place seem happier than me. I'm feeling bloody vex. Yours sincerely Cheeky Dear Cheeky, Me, more than a bitch? Why thank you so much. I will take that as a compliment. I truly understands the problems and rough patches you are going through right now. I mean with a stupid name like yours, who doesn't? Young man, the road of life was never an expressway and never will be. In fact, life is like the road near my house. Long and narrow, no U turn, full of potholes and lots of karang guni lorries honking their horns. It really depends on how you want to navigates through it. Any problems you encounter is akin to your car getting stuck in potholes, some big, some small. You could either try pushing your car out of it on your own, sit inside your car and wait hopefully for some free rides or just walk out of it and carry on the journey with your legs. See, problems in life are simple with only 3 solutions, don't complicate it. I usually end my letter with an insult or a sarcastic remark, but I'm going to cut you some slack and end it with a quote. "Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance." Oh fuck it, I'm still going to end it with an insult. Straighten up and get on with your pathetic life, you spineless twag. Yours sincerely Agony Aunt

Let me fly without wings and away from here

2004-11-21T19:09:00.000-08:00

Have anyone ever wish that they could just go to the airport, walk to any airline counter, randomly buy a one-way ticket to nowhere and just take off like that. Starting life anew somewhere else and leaving all your troubles behind. In the plane, high up in the sky, with your problems getting further and further away. Yes, cheeky is having this feeling now. If there's an opportunity to work and live oversea, cheeky would grab it with both his hands and legs and clench it with his teeth. Feeling very vex. Arrgh.... Should cheeky write a letter to Agony Aunt?

Dear Agony Aunt

2004-11-18T18:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Agony Aunt, I’m a 13 years old boy currently studying in a top-notch boys school. A few days ago, we had our first sex education lesson. Mrs Lim, who’s also our biology teacher began the lesson by showing us two charts showing the male and female body and vividly described the function of the various organs she singled out. Most of us cringed at each description. She then played a documentary from Discovery channel on the TV. The documentary showed 2 rhinos doing all those horrible things to each other. After the show ended, Mrs Lim turned to us and said, “And that’s how your parents created you.” A few of my classmate broke down after hearing it and Billy, the class bully even soiled his pants. When I reached home, I told my mom what I learned in school that day. She looked disturbed, went to the altar, burned a few joss sticks and begged for forgiveness from “Guanyin” for being such a bad mother. My grandma then took a can with small pieces of crumbled papers in it from the kitchen and asked me to pick 4 numbers. Dear Agony Aunt, I feel traumatize and I can’t eat and sleep. I also think I had lost all respect for my parents. What should I do? Yours sincerely Lionel Dear Lionel, Oh you poor poor boy. Do you need a hug, you twag. I have seen my fair share of boys like you whining and complaining about how gross sex is, but mark my words, a few more years from now, all you whiners will be hankering for sex 24/7, yes 24/7, no thanks to the magical thing call male hormones. And when that happens, you’ll be wondering why you ever wrote such a hypocritical letter to me in the first place. In the mean time, I suggest you go see a counselor, but not Mrs Lim please, she’s tactless and clueless. At any point of time, if you feel your hankering has reached a problematic proportion, I suggest you go back and think about those 2 rhinos again. If it’s any comfort to you, Agony Aunt caught her parents making out on the kitchen table yesterday. Yes, kitchen table, the place where you put your food on and sat around for your makan. Now who has got the raw deal, you brat. Yours Sincerely Agony Aunt

True and scary ghost story

2004-11-15T19:47:00.000-08:00

Cheeky wants to share the following ghost story he heard a few years ago to everyone. It was originally told by Daniel Ong when he was hosting the late night slot at Perfect 10. Back then, he was quite a decent DJ until Sheik Haikal intoxicated his mind with stuff about white panties. His show was a daily staple for cheeky when he was mugging for his exam. Some of you might have heard the story before, if that’s the case, please piss off. Before cheeky proceeds, he has to warn you that the story is true and pretty scary, so maybe you would like to surround yourself with loved ones or cuddle up to a teddy bear. And if you have weak bladder, please refrain from reading further cause it’s damn scary. The story took place during the 7th month of the Chinese lunar calendar and revolved around a young lad named Sam. Sam at that time was working as a general worker, in a small company located at Tuas. During one particular working day, the whole of Sam’s company was requested to work OT in order to meet a deadline due tomorrow. By the time everything was done, it was already past 1 am and Sam was the last person left in the office. He was left wondering whether there were still any bus services at this hour. He decided to try his luck and quickly tidied up the office, locked up and rushed towards the bus stop. The bus stop was situated by a small narrow road with dense forestation surrounding the area. Sam waited for about 20 minutes and was about to make his way to the main road to catch a cab when a double deck bus appeared from nowhere. He hesitantly waved it down, boarded the bus and the only person he saw on the same bus was a frail ghastly looking old woman. The old woman was dressed in white samfoo and black pant, attire favoured by maids in those early days or “Ma Jie” as they were commonly known then. Sam felt uneasy upon seeing her and was about to go up to the upper deck when a voice ranged out in Cantonese, “Young man, don’t go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous.” It was the old woman. Her comment sent a chill through Sam’s bones and he figured that the upper deck might be “dirty”. He decided to heed the old woman’s advice and grab a seat at the lower deck even though he felt uncomfortable by her presence. It was an agonizing 20 minutes journey before Sam reached his bus stop. He quickly alighted and turned to steal a quick glance at the old woman, who stared right back at him by the window. Without further ado, Sam hastened his pace and was fortunate to reach home safely. The next day, Sam was requested to work OT and ended up being the last person left in the office again. It was already past midnight and Sam was contemplating whether to take a cab home but decided against it in the end as money was tight. So he made his way to the bus stop again and after about 20 minutes, the same double deck bus appeared. Sam boarded the bus and saw the same old woman again. He decided to go to the upper deck again when the old woman called out to him, “Young man, don’t go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous.” Even though, he heard it before, he still felt a certain fear inside him since it’s the 7th month. To be on the safe side, he reluctantly took a seat at the lower deck again and reached home with no incidents. The third day, Sam was asked to do OT again. By now he was feeling dreaded and worried as he didn’t want to repeat the same process again. But he obliged nevertheless since it’s his livelihood. He was, you guessed it, the last person left in the office again. He made the same journey to the bus stop, occasionally checking his back as he walked. The double deck bus arrived, he boarded it and saw the same old woman again. As he proceeded to go upstairs, the old woman warned him again, “Young man, don’t go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous.” Sam was fed up with the old woman by now and decided to go upstairs even though he was feeling a bit scared. He saw no one else when he reached the upper deck and slowly made his way to the back of the bus and sat down. Sam’s heart began pounding away as he waited anxiously for something to happen. After 30 minutes, with nothing happening, Sam went downstairs to confront the old woman and asked her why she kept saying it’s dangerous upstairs. The old woman turned, stared at him and replied, “Young man, don’t go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous. Upstairs got no bus driver.” Wahahaha, very funny hor.

A day at the stadium

2004-11-12T19:26:00.000-08:00

Cheeky's going back for reservist in the next few months so he reckoned it's a good time to start building up his stamina. So off he went to the stadium for some jogging and cheeky must add, it didn't do any good for his ego and self esteem. For a start, ah peks kept overtaking cheeky, some made a few chuckles as they ran past cheeky. Nahbeh. Anyway after 6 rounds, cheeky proceeded to the chin up bar. There were some topless guys standing around the chin up bars, flexing and posturing and doing all those things that guys with big triceps normally do. They have very impressive 6 packs, but then so does cheeky, but cheeky's 6 packs are very 'shy' and only appear before meal times and under certain shades of lights. The first topless guy easily did 20, cheeky thinks, cheeky wasn't really paying any attention because the guy's armpits was a real turn off. His armpits was a miniaturized Amazon rainforest. The guy stepped down from the bar, heaving and panting and did a few more flexing and posturing. The second guy did 22, stepped down and proceeded to do some sit-ups and started pumping away like a jackhammer and he was doing the twisting version, you know, left elbow touch right knee, right elbow touch left knee, very impressive. The third topless guy went one up better. He did commando style chin up. His face was all red after that but he still managed an awkward smile, and you guessed it, did a few more flexing and posturing as well. And then, it's cheeky's turn. Cheeky did 5, calmly stepped down from the bar, did a few flexing and posturing of his own, sighed and said, "bar slippery" and promptly went off for another round of jogging.

Women+shopping=No logics

2004-11-09T19:07:00.000-08:00

Cheeky and co. went shopping around during the weekend. From past experiences, cheeky knows that logics (if she's your wife, then credit card) must be left behind when shopping with women. You see, Cheeky's friend has been lugging most of her 'harvest' with her right hand after a day of shopping. Cheeky's friend later then nagged about how 'suan' her right hand was and the imbalance that was affecting her walking. Being a gentleman, cheeky offered to help carried her handbag and adviced her to switch some of her shopping bags to her left hand. Logically speaking, this is the appropriate thing to do. But we are talking about women. So how did Cheeky's friend solved her problem? She promptly entered a shop, made a few more purchase and came out with equal number of bags in both hands. Sigh....

Newton and other muse

2004-11-07T18:45:00.000-08:00

Cheeky's flatmate's body is sprawl all over the sofa, snoozing away. Newton's law of motion doesn't seem to apply to him. Mr Newton said that ' An object at rest will remain at rest unless there's a force acting on it'. In this case, a pig at rest will always remains at rest no matter how much force is used. Nahbeh Newton, your theories are wrong leh. Wait a minute, Newton also said 'For every action, there should be an equal and opposite reaction'. Maybe cheeky should give a kick to the pig's groin, Muay Thai style. Hahaha. Muse of the day: Any self proclaimed cool dudes and babes when asked what is their fav sport, will always replied wakeboarding. It seems that wakeboarding is the must-do sport for all these fake and pretentious people. Cheeky: May I know what's your fav sports. Dude: Wakeboarding lah Cheeky: Why wakeboarding and not some other sports like table tennis or bowling? Dude: KNN, me spend 5 hours in the gym everyday toning my biceps and muscles and you want me to cover it up playing ping pong!? KNN. Cheeky: I must admit you have got an impressive six packs Dude: Of course lah. I even named them. This is Escardo, Alfonso, Ricardo, Milecino, Gabanni and Zubarti. Pretty neat hor. Cheeky: How about your girlfriend? What's your fav sport lovely? Babe: Wakeboarding lah Cheeky: Why? Babe: Why!? You want me to play ping pong in bikini hah. Siao leh you. Cheeky: You could cover it up. Babe: Nahbeh lah, like that how to see my cleavage. Got D-cup must flaunt mah.

Interview with Bush (Part 2)

2004-11-04T19:40:00.000-08:00

Reporter: Good morning President Bush, I'm a reporter from Singapore. First of all, let me congratulates you on being re-elected. Bush: Why thanks alot bro. From Singapore huh, send my regards to your Prime Minister Badawi. Reporter: Er... Badawi is actually the prime minister of Malaysia pause Bush: Haha, of cos i know that, just testing you. Haha Reporter: Now that you have been re-elected, what are your immediate plans for Iraq? Bush: Tell you one thing bro, Iraq is like a piece of monstrous pile in my arse. Settling it will be very bloody and messy. But I'm a man of conviction and I hate doing things half way---just ask my wife Laura---rest assured that America will stick it through. We have had a puppet I mean a legitimate government installed there and we're going to increase our troops. Reporter: The insurgency is a big headache isn't it Bush: Yes, but we're trying the soft approach too. We've been dropping large number of playboy centrefolds/posters in Fallujah in a bid to convert the insurgents to the mainstream Reporter: Are you going to take a more consultative approach with the UN in your second term? Bush: The UN is like my uncle Charles after he lost his balls during the world war. Lots of foreplay but no concrete action when it matter most. Nevertheless, I'll clear my earwax more often and hear them more. Reporter: With regards to foreign policies, how are you going to mend the rocky relationship with your allies that deteriorate with your invasion of Iraq? Bush: Haha. The only ass I'm gonna to kiss around belongs to my wife. I leave such mundane tasks to my deputy Dick. He may be old, but he can plant an awesome smack on anyone ass regardless of textures, colours and smell. Hey Dick, come over here and show some love to this reporter won't you. Cheney: Yo, whats up? Bush: Mr reporter, may I introduce you to Dick Cheney. The new spokesman for Revlon lip gloss and Oral B mouth cleansing solutions for the next 4 years. Reporter: Nice meeting you, Mr Vice President. Bush: Go on Dick, show him what your lips are made of. Cheney: I like to Georgie, but I developed a severe case of ulcer after meeting Kofi Annan yesterday. It was a pretty rough and foul encounter, I kid you not. But it was worth it, he gave his approval to our latest proposal and plans on Iraq. Bush: Man, you better take a good rest then. I wouldn't want to jeopardize your recovery. We will need lots of your services in the coming months. Cheney: If you will excuse me gentlemen, I'll take my leave. Bush: Such a nice guy, that Dick. Reporter: I'm sure he is Mr President. One last question. If there's one thing you could wish for, what would it be. Bush: I know this will sound unbelievable, since it's coming from me. But I wish for world peace and that everyone will forget and forgive past grudges and misdeeds Reporter: That's a very nice thought Mr President. Bush: Thanks, it erase my phobia of being assassinated after I left the office. Reporter: Thank you for your time President Bush.

Men in uniforms

2004-11-01T22:56:00.000-08:00

Nahbeh, cheeky received the latest issue of Pioneer magazine and realised that the IPPT system has been automated. Cheeky believes that this must be the idea of some smartass scholars in SAF who thought that this might let them score a few points with their superiors. What this means is that cheeky can no longer cheat at the sit-up station. Fuck man. Cheeky would like you to know that the last time cheeky tried to be honest in his IPPT, he cracked a few of his ribs when doing the sit-up. From that day onwards, cheeky promised himself and his ribs cage that he will not be a dumbass again. On another note, cheeky was greatly amused to see armed policemen patrolling Orchard Rd in broad daylight in bulky bullet proof vests trying to look menancing (Grrrrh....) to everyone. Some smartass from the police (we have a lot of smartass in uniforms) told the media that this latest measure act as a deterrence to would be terrorists. What cheeky wants to tell the smartass is, Orchard Rd is already crowded enough, the last thing we need is for people with rifles to cram with us on the pavements and accidentally having rifle heads being thrusted into our arses. But alas, smartass never thought of this because his arse would be safely tucked away on a leather arm chair, relaxing in an aircon office and thinking of promotion no thanks to his crappy idea. Seeing those policemen patrolling Orchard Rd also reminds cheeky of soldiers patrolling in the airport. Cheeky hopes that the next time he goes back to reservist, his unit would be kind enough to place him in such a role. There's nothing like a man in uniform to arouse the interest of the opposite sex. Add a pair of Oakley sunglasses and a rifle sling across his shoulder and cheeky already feel a few inches taller than those ang moh. Cheeky dare to say that he had perfected the cool melancholic look to complement the whole package and is confident of snagging a few chicks in the process. Lady: oh hi soldier, nice looking weapon cheeky: careful miss, this is a 3.2kg state-of-the-art bull-pup designed weapon with a 1.5 magnification built-in aiming scope and a laser aiming device build to maim and decapitate anyone who piss me off. You wouldn't want to get too near. Lady: okay..., I don't know what the hell you just say, but it definitely turn me on. Care to join me for coffee cheeky looking damn serious. cheeky:I'm sorry miss, but I wear my uniform with pride and integrity and if you think you can just seduce me like that and make me walk off with you for some sexual escapade while I'm carrying out my sacred duty in a bid to protect my country, my fellow citizens and my family from any impeding terrorist attacks, you are dead wrong................................................................. At least give me a few minutes to bump off these buggers who are patrolling with me. Go wait for me at the cafe.

Hong Kong radio stations

2004-10-29T22:05:00.000-07:00

Thanks to technology, cheeky is able to listen to his dose of Cantopop on the internet. Cheeky must say that the DJs from the radio stations in Hong Kong are a breath of fresh air compared to our local DJs who's trying too hard be media friendly and politically correct to the masses. For a start, they pull no punches and say what's on their mind even if they risk offending someone. To state an example, last night a lady called in to lament about her daughter's grade, which wasn't quite bad to begin with. Instead of taking a stand on her side, the DJ lashed out at her, criticising her of imposing ridiculous expectations and pressure on her daughter. Wah kau, cheeky was surprised and hugely entertained by the DJ. Cheeky can't see our DJs resorting to such antic since they barely have any balls to spare, no thanks to our highly sensitive society where complaining is a national past time. Anyway, most of the Hong Kong DJs are full of delightful sarcasm and wits and it helps that cantonese is a pretty crude language. The whole setup becomes like a coffeeshop conversation where anything goes and everyone and everything is a potential topic for discussion. The icing's when you have celebrities like Sandra Ng and Eric Tseng as host on the airwave who'll spare no efforts to take a dig at their celebrity friends. Alas, most of our local celebrities (as well as DJs) are pretty much 2 dimensional in characters so cheeky don't see much assets in them being guest DJ, cheeky would rather hear the daily prayer broadcasted on RTM1.

The one about women mags

2004-10-25T03:42:00.000-07:00

Cheeky has been highly amused by some of the articles found in women mags recently. It all started one lazy afternoon while cheeky was chilling out at a friend's place when one of the phrase on the cover of a mag caught cheeky's attention. "10 steps to orgasm". Wah kau, the horny side of cheeky prompted him to read it. The whole article was pretty erotic in nature and cheeky, in between readings, had to make a few trips to the toilet to recuperate. Since this is a wholesome blog, cheeky will refrain from going into details but this is what cheeky had learned.

Men are very simple species. They require only one step to achieve orgasm. (the writer is too generous, we only need 1/2 a step)
It's the male responsibility to help their partners achieve 'nirvana'
The mood and surrounding must be right. (you wouldn't want to conduct the activity when your folks are watching 'Ah Cheng' in the living room)
Foreplay, lots of it. Advisable to allocate 30 mins to an hour for it. (the female is adviced to resort to slapping to keep her partner from nodding off in the process)
Food to aid in the process like butter, cream, Da Hua soyasauce, mum's balanchan etc.
Communication. Feel free to tell your partner how pathetic he was and the ways to improve himself

Anyway after being enlightened on what a selfish scumbag cheeky had been, cheeky then stumbled on another article titled 'I fell in love with my daughter's boyfriend'. Wah kau again. What kind of a story is that. Actually there's more. There's the one about a woman stalking his toyboy and another one about orgy parties in the heartland. Man, cheeky never knew that women mags writers have such a rich source of imagination, they should seriously consider writing for TV and the antes are upped each month with mags trying to outdo each other with more outrageous and unbelievable stories. Cheeky also noticed that female mags always allocate spaces for cheesy contests like '50 most eligible bachelors', '50 most likeable hunks', '50 most gorgeous people' etc with the selected few having their poetic and artsy quotes next to their glamour shots. Cheeky would like to quote from one Mr Aw. Mr Aw said " I only have one word to describe gorgeous, and that word is 'life'." Cheeky bet that the Talebans at Guantanamo Bay would be so delighted with Mr Aw's quote that they would like Mr Aw to join them. There's nothing wrong with cheesy contests, but then cheeky's not in it so that makes it a wrong. Blah, cheeky has run out of saliva and would like to conclude with the following irrevelant thoughts.

Thoughts of the day: Does William Hung sporting a pair of sunglasses resemble Wong Kar Wai?

Wrong number lah

2004-10-20T01:00:00.000-07:00

I'm sure everyone has the experience of receiving wrong calls on their handphones once in a while, cheeky too. However cheeky always received wrong calls made by ah bengs, ah peks and aunties. Why can't cheeky receive a wrong call made by a demure lass with an angle like voice or a lady with a sexy panting voice. Cheeky is sure we can cultivate some sort of relationship in that short span of a conversation. Lass: hello, chris please? cheeky: oh hello dear, chris not here, but cheeky's here. Lass: Ooo..., cheeky, what a cute name. cheeky: oh haha, wait till you see the person. Lass: you sound like a naughty boy, I like. cheeky: thanks, shall we meet and make out later? Lass: are you kidding me? That sound so fun and interesting. Yah, in your dreams. In reality, the conversation always go like this. Lass: HELLO, CHIA HUH? cheeky: oh hello dear, chia not here, but cheeky's here. Lass: CHEE YOUR HEAD LAH! phone slammed or like this someone: hello, siva huh? cheeky: wrong number. someone: you sure!? cheeky: yes, I'm sure. someone: is your number xxxxxxx? cheeky: no, my number is not xxxxxxx. someone: you sure!? cheeky: yes, I'm sure. long pause someone: cheebye. phone slammed

PSLE trival

2004-10-14T21:22:00.000-07:00

Recently people have been writing to the Straits Times forum pages lamenting the difficulty of PSLE questions. Come to think of it, it has been 4 years since cheeky took his PSLE ( yah right ). Anyway, someone cited an example to bring across his/her point. Question: A rod, half of which is made of iron, the other half made of wood is balanced in the middle. Will the iron part go up or down when heated. Hey come on, there's no need to bang your head in shame. Just show some respect to the kid standing next to you when taking the train. Illogical simplified answer: When iron is heated, it expand ( like cheeky's waistline ). Now, what happened when you have a ever expanding waistline? Well, for a start your weighing scale malfunction the moment you step on it. Which means you have gained weight and which means the iron part has become heavier and will tips down. Smarty pant answer: Iron when heated, will expand. Thus, the iron portion will now be longer and, using moments, it will move down. On the other hand, heating up the iron portion will cause a convention current in the surrounding air, resulting in a force pushing the metal upwards. The metal rod could go either way, or remain in its original position. (yah, I know, what the fuck?) Logical answer: When the iron portion is heated, it will expand, causing the rod's centre of gravity to shift towards the metal side. Thus the iron portion will tips down. Brother Love's answer: Let me tell you about my 'rod'. It can expand way beyond... ( beeps.......... censored )

Buaya 101

2004-10-06T19:56:00.000-07:00

Have you people ever met a buaya? What do you mean you have no idea what a buaya is? Dear dear, young lady if you don't have a clue what's a buaya, I suggest you spend the next couple of minutes reading the following, it will be beneficial to your well being. According to talkingcock.com, buaya is Malay for “crocodile”. Means “lothario” or wolf, i.e. sleazy pick-up artist. May also be used as a verb.. According to cheeky, there are 3 categories of buaya. (A) The mildly irritating buaya, (B) the very irritating buaya, (C) the irritating but you dun have a clue that he's being irritating buaya (cheeky is trying hard to reach this category). Sad to say, most often we encounter alot of (B) in our daily lives. And sad to say, cheeky happened to meet one recently. I must add that this particular type (B) buaya is a big, thought and sight provoking species. You see, cheeky and co. were having a chill out at a cafe, when one of cheeky's acquaintance brought along a friend. Cheeky did a scan on the friend, lets call him R, and knew instinctly he's a type (B) buaya (because he got a face most people want to slap/punch/spit/stomp). You know, beady eyes, fat pudgy cheeks and that smirk on his face. To educate everyone on buayaism, we shall take a look at the following classic case study on how a buaya conduct himself and we shall dissect and analyze his every move. To start off, R was clad in designer wears from head to toe coupled with an oakley sunglasses, earrings etc. buaya 101: R in this case clearly believe he's the oriental David Beckham. In fact all type (B) buayas think they are David Beckham R then did a scan on cheeky's friends buaya 101: a standard procedure for all buayas R politely introduced himself and refrain from speaking too much buaya 101: a very skilled buaya indeed. R is taking the gentleman approach, A very sneaky fellow. R began cutting in on some of our conversations buaya 101: when a buaya senses that the chicks are ignoring him or when he thinks his demure gentleman manner is not working to his advantage, a buaya will not hesitate to make a move, any types of move R began lending his 'expert' view on every topics. By now he's ignoring all the guys in his vicinity and concentrating on the gals. He started talking about his various life experiences and very 'modestly' recounted a few of his achievements. buaya 101: a buaya will manveuver a conversation to his advantage. Often the conversation will lead to scant references of his achievement and deeds. And he will put on a very 'modest' front After much conversing, one of the gal asked about his occupation. R replied that he is a photographer. buaya 101: jobs in the creative/media sector are highly sought after by all buayas. These jobs score points with chicks Being a buaya himself, cheeky sensed that R was exaggerating with regards to his job. Cheeky probed further and R finally revealed that he's freelancing and he's not employed at the moment. Cheeky asked a few more question on his works and R replied with one/ two words answers and then promptly excused himself as he went to the washroom. buaya 101: a buaya has a keen sense of danger. When he feels that he is in a predicament, he will excuse himself and regroup his thoughts and strategies R returned and a friend asked about having her photo taken by him. R smiled, closed his eyes, crossed his fingers and began 'visualizing' and explaining how he would take her photos. buaya 101: you are witnessing the epitome of buayaism. What an awesome sight After an agonizing chilling out session, cheeky and co. finally decided to go home and R without fail, handed out his namecards to everyone and bade farewell. buaya 101: any self respecting buayas have a namecard with attractive sounding job titles. On R's namecard, it read "professional photographer" There you have it boys and girls. I hope that the above case study has been insightful for you on how a typical buaya operate and by now should have cultivate a keen awareness of buayas around you. However, if you feel that the above is not enough for you to truly understand buayaism, cheeky will like you to take a look at all freshmen orientations that are conducted in july and august every year. That's when a whole bunch of buayas are finally unleash from their NS duties. On another note, Cheeky and co. found out later that R is just an amateur photographer and has recently finished his 6 years contract with the army. What a loser.

Gold 90.5

2004-10-03T21:48:00.000-07:00

Lo and behold everyone, cheeky recently discovered he digs gold 90.5. It started one evening when cheeky, out of curiosity tune in to the station to get a feel of twilight years. Cheeky must adds that the station is adept at opening up your crying tap. The dj started off by playing "wind beneath my wings" to warm up everyone tears buds, then it's "that's what friends are for " to open up the staunchest, hardened hearts around followed by "tears in heaven" to make you almost choked with emotions. To culminating all these, the last song played was "he ain't heavy, he's my brother". Man, how can anyone not bawl his eyes out just by listening to that title alone. Cheeky would like to assure everyone that he has not lost his masculinity (though his eyes is still a bit sore) but it is advisable to stay off 90.5 if

you didn't strike 4D during the weekend
your fav football team lost its match
you just had a bad haircut
you had a tiff with your boyfriend/girlfriend/family/pet/plant
you haven't had your dinner yet and are really starving

In order to treat post 90.5 trauma, please tune in to wkrz 91.3 for some perking techno to lighten up your mood to the tune of "ai ya ya, I'm your little butterfly" and friends.

Cheeky is Back!

2004-09-30T23:40:00.000-07:00

Yes, cheeky is back to post. Where did cheeky goes? Well things have not gone well in life so cheeky kind of float around aimlessly for a while. The situation is still not improving but to heck with all the problems. On another note, to commemorate the recent media merger, cheeky has compiled a list of the crappiest crapbags mediaworks has signed as artistes during it's 4 short years of existence. It's about time they get rid of the deadwood

'Mr Woody' Ix Shen. Should venture into kids programmes to hone his acting skills. Bananas in Pyjamas or Barney is a good start.
Cynthia Lee. Shouldn't she be promoting beers in a coffeeshop somewhere.
' Buck tooth' Ericia Lee. Lets face it, she simply got no talent whatsoever. Make a great duo with no. 2 though if they can form a partnership in the above venture.
Evelyn Tan. Contrary to popular beliefs, guys don't get turn on by her sweetness or cuteness ( she isn't, to begin with). Not by a mile.
Bryan Wong. Arrogant and irritating fag. Enough said.
Ben Yeo. Same reason as no. 3.
A whole bunch of unknown signed at one go akin to a lelong transaction.
Ann Poh. Yah, I know you got coconuts, big deal.

P.s. To their credits, mediawork did produce some noteworthy programmes especially their travelogue programmes.

Down down down

2004-09-17T01:18:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling down, down to the bottomless pit and are trying my darnest to climb out of it. It's time to sit down and take stock of my life. Don't worry, cheeky will be up and running again in no time. I hope.

Chickens and eggs

2004-09-09T01:55:00.000-07:00

Cheeky and co. went for makan yesterday and was astonished to learn that a piece of lame slimy omelette cost a dollar. This is daylight robbery. Due to the birdflu, supply has been limited, as such cheeky would like to rally all chickens in singapore (except those from Geylang) to do your bit for the country and spit out more eggs. If it make you happy, I would go on the record to say that chicken come first instead of the egg. Now are you happy? Go ram up your productions and churn out more eggs.

Interview with Bush and Kerry

2004-09-03T20:14:00.000-07:00

Reporter: Thank you sir for agreeing to this interview. Bush: Ha ha no problem at all lad. Reporter: First question first, what do think it's your biggest achievement during your term in office? Bush: My biggest achievement? Why I must say it's that I got to kicked some Talibans' ass and screwed Saddam. I also learned that Papa New Guinea is not a real person. Not that I bother much about it though. Reporter: The media label you as intellectually-challenged. What do you say to that? Long Pause Reporter: The media label you as a dumbass. What do you say to that? Bush: Oh haha, why don't you say so earlier. What a showoff. Me a dumbass? That's ridiculous. I have half a mind of suing them. Reporter: The Iraq war. Was it a mistake? Bush: You know, I ponder over this question often. Bush suddenly jumps up and turns to Dick Cheney. Yo Dick, Dick did you hear that, I used the word 'ponder'. Call for a press conference will ya. Reporter: Sir, can we get back to the question. Bush: Hahaha, right right. As I was saying, I P-O-N-D-E-R over this question often. Nobody likes war but think of the gallons of oil damn it. Reporter: Any plans to improve the economy? Bush: I think that's all for today lad. I'm getting giddy. Reporter: Would you like to finish the question first sir? Bush: No can't do. Reporter: Have you talk to Greenspan about the economy? Bush: Look kid, there's a limit to how many brain cells I could kill each day. Any number beyond that, I'll go straight into a coma. So if you dun mind me, I like to excuse myself. Reporter: Sir one last question, What's your name? Bush: My name? Ha ha, why it's....... Bush blanks out. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reporter: I'm glad to have you on board this interview Mr Kerry. Kerry: Look smartass, I'm in a bad mood so you better don't ask any questions that piss me off. You get it? Cut the crap and shoot. Reporter: Ok. What's your stand on the war? Kerry: My stand on the war? Are you from Mars or something. I thought I made it very clear from the start. I'm against war. Totally against war. Reporter: Why did you vote for the war in the Senate then? Kerry: That's because I didn't know I was going to become a presidential candidate back then, you dumbass. Reporter: The media view you as a flip flop kind of person with no consistent agenda. Any comments to that? Kerry: You see this lovely slick hairdo of mine. Do you know how much effort and time goes into styling it every single morning? That's what I call unwavering dedication and commitment to a cause, you nimwit. Reporter: You have been criticised for having no significant achievements during your 20 years in the senate. Comments? Kerry: You sure you don't have any brain tumor or something? I could recommend a good doctor to you. My greatest achievement? I kissed everyone ass and made everyone happy. That's why I managed to stay there for over 20 years, you piece of shit. Reporter: Why do you think you are the right person to lead the nation? Kerry: We pissed off too many countries and it takes a special kind of person to kiss all the asses around and mend the fences. I think my years in the senate and lips comes in handy. Reporter: Thank you Mr Kerry for your time. Kerry: Yeah yeah blah blah blah.

Cheeky's open letter

2004-09-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

Cheeky's open letter to all librarians: To begin with, I will like to state that there exist no personal vendetta against anyone. In fact, you guys have been doing a reasonably good job but then, there's always rooms for improvement, lots of rooms since you are serving the public. As a regular user of the library, I will like to point out to you the following things that bugs me.

Can you stop paging for your roving staff every few minutes. If by the third time, your beloved roving staff are still not to be found, they are either making out in the toilet ( they should be done by the fifth time you page for them ) or they have rove off for makan.
You guys need to put a stop to all the mobile phones ringing incessantly in the library. Tell those towkays to switch their mobile phones to vibration mode and shaft it inside their pockets and tell them once someone called them, it's the next best thing to having an orgasm. They will rush to stuff a dozen I tell you.
The last item that bugs me most is also the most disturbing. Someone has been tearing pages off my beloved FHM. Not one or two, but a whole series of them. Judging from the pages he had torn, I reckon this fellow to be an old hand and knew his taste very well because the pages featuring Madonna remained intact. It is not a good feeling to be lustily flipping the pages to Kylie's and found out later that she's not there. My morale and libido sunk like the Titanic. I share a special affinity with FHM because no other mags make my nose bleed like it does. Therefore I hope you can investigate and nab the perpetrator who committed this audacious crime.

I look forward to the improved environment and if you ever need feedback, you can find me lurking near the FHM section at the magazine corner.

P.S. Under any circumstances, priority should always be given to item no.3.

Yours sincerely

Cheeky

Idols Fever

2004-08-27T19:59:00.000-07:00

What's up with all the Idols fever man? If you want to see talents, I urge you, I strongly urge you to come to K-box at paradiz centre. Me and my khakis will be most willingly to belt out a few hokkien melodies for you, heck if orgies is not your cup of tea, you can join me in the shower room one-on-one but keep your bloody filthy hands and maybe your feet to yourself. Now lets talk about those contestants. I'm sure they are thinking of stardom and so on, but most likely the winner will signed a contract with mediacorp and be cast as some molester in Crimewatch. It's not a shame because Crimewatch enjoy high approval ratings from aunties and Ah Peks. Speaking of the judges. Dick Dick Dick, we all know you were the bunt of many jokes during your childhood but please don't vent your frustrations and humiliations on those poor souls. I don’t know what you did to piss your parents off but Mom and Pop must have named you Dick for a reason. Think of people worse off than you, heck think of my friend Chee Hong, guess how he felt all these years. Go easy on the contestants, you are a bigger dick, I mean a bigger man than that. And grandpa Douglas, why so quiet during the show? Jack up the hearing aid old man. Ken we sympathize with you, we really do. It’s a traumatic experience to be involved in the Echo boys project years ago but it’s all in the past. Let it go ken, just let it go. And go easy on the sleeping pills at night. Florence, we know you want to portray yourself as a gutsy woman with a mind of your own unlike sweet Paula who has no qualms about spreading her legs for anyone just so everyone would like her. But you are there for a reason and you jolly well know it. As a vase to decorate the set, albeit a vase with cracks but still a vase nonetheless. With that, I like to see more hugs, hi-fivers, tears and kisses in future episodes. And bring back the bananaman, I like that guy.

The Olympics and Jap shows

2004-08-25T22:25:00.000-07:00

The Olympics showing now reminds me of 2 jap shows way way way............... back. Both were damn dramatic and greatly exaggerated. The first one was about tennis. I can't really recall much about the show, but it's about this talented tennis player with a silver racket. Now this silver racket can't let you exchange a free 'hello kitty' but it enable you to hit shots that will make your opponents mumbled " what fuck ". You see, with this racket you can hit and serve unbelievable and dramatic shots to traumatize your opponents. The character had a signature move that enable the ball to spin and ran along the net before dropping onto the opponent's half. If he were to hit such ball today, I tell you he will surely kena walloped by people. The other one was about volleyball. It's about this girl who lived in the countryside who wanted to play volleyball but his father objected. Seeing her determination and perseverance, he finally relented but not before she can passed a test. The father tied a ball on a pole and told her if she can managed to smack the ball, she can go to Tokyo. So the girl tried and tried and finally smacked the bloody damn ball. The father gave his blessing and the girl began her journey ( but not before giving her father a few smacks as well ). Having no foundation, the girl started from the lowest rung, but the coach noticing how hardworking she was (she was mopping the floor with a constipated look), started to teach her some moves and then realized this girl got some potential. The coach then imparted to her some skills that allowed her to served and smacked balls that defied the law of physics. The balls she smacked would flew around the court like a cruise missile and hit opponents in the face, stomach and butt. So the girl and her team hantam their opponents all the way and finally won the national championship. This is as much as I can possibly remember about the show. By the way I can still hum the song of the show. On another note, the jap team had lost their match against china in the athen Olympics.

National Day Rally

2004-08-22T20:34:00.000-07:00

Wah lau eh the rally damn long sia, more than 3 hours. Anyway, here's some comments about the rally.

How did he control his bladder with all the strong aircons and the constant sipping of tea. Along the way, I noticed some audiences with constipated expressions with a sorrowful glaze fixated in the direction of the toilets.
Performances and exhibitions are now permitted at the speakers' corner. It's a good idea because the only speakers there right now are the pigeons.
Civil servants are to have 5-day work week. This is unfair. Being servants, they are already entitled to many benefits compared to us masters. A servant never has it so good.
The audiences were an easily amused lot. They laughed at the slightest resemblance of a joke. Kumar will have them rolling on the floor begging " no more aneh, no more, me got weak kidney lah" if he's to perform in front of them.
More goodies to tempt women to get laid. By now, they should have know that goodies alone are not enough. They need to be spooked. Begin by running a series of ads depicting sorrowful sights of single elderly in their twightlight years.

Crossroad

2004-08-20T21:36:00.000-07:00

Just popped by Emily's blog and she mentioned about crossroad. Hmm, the word seems to cling onto us when we reached a certain age. This was more evident when I went back for my reservist. My garang unit you see pestered me to go back every year without fail, sometimes twice a year to perform my sacred duty (not to defend my country lah but to pass my IPPT). During these times, me and my platoon mates will start to share stories, lobangs, gossips to pass the time (yes I know, we resembled aunties at the voiddecks). And it's a different set of conversation we had each time we went back. Our first reservist took place when we had just graduated. Then everyone had embarked on his career and was full of inspiration, dreams, hopes and ambitions (Donald Trump, man I can do better than that Tramp, hahahaha). We talked about careers, goals etc. During our next reservist one year later, topics still revolved around pretty much the same things but on a milder manner. Then on our next reservist, things started to go philosophical. I was having a chat with a mate and the conversation went something like this: Me: wah the lesson just now damn boring man. Mate: yup. Me: heh, you work in a bank hor, can advice me...... Mate: have you ever stop and think about life? Me blink my eyes Me: huh? Mate: you know, are you happy with your current life? If you must know, I'm most happy if I can have a plate of nasi lemak now. I'm starving. Mate: man, I'm sick of my job, my life. And so the conversation changed into a philosophy lesson on Socrates, Pluto, about life and self fufilment. Feelings were poured out, tears came flowing and hugs were exchanged. No lah, just kidding, this is a military camp not Oprah ok, but you get the idea. And it seems that many of my mates were having thoughts of embarking on something new. In fact, one of my mate, an engineer is ditching his career and flying to Canada to learn to be a chef. So if you are still young and stuck in a crossroad, don't hesitate, make a dash while the green man is still flashing. Like our Prime Minister said, don't wait for tea to be served, make your own milo, kopi-o, and teh terak. Wah, feel so inspired after saying all these, must go grab a plate of nasi lemak to eat.

Gilmore Girls

2004-08-17T19:42:00.000-07:00

Lately I came across this show call gilmore girls, not a bad show. It's a kind of feel good show, you know, no tragedies waiting to happen, quirky and adorable characters, witty dialogues and a beautiful setting of a small town. Everyone is so friendly and nice to each other. After watching it, I starts to look around my neighborhood. Ah yes, the uncle living next door has resumed his hourly routine of spitting coupled with throat clearing sound effect. The auntie 3 doors away attemping a faint impression of Theresa Teng ( or is she imitating her cat) and some shouting along the lines of 'knn', 'nb'. I went downstairs for dinner and the coffeeshop lady starts to shriek in a deaf defying voice that would made pavarotti wag his tail in retreat and then 2 uncles started to quarrel over something which I reckon must be related to health because certain parts of the human body has been mentioned quite frequently by them. Relax lah uncles, watch gilmore girls, it's soothing to the soul.

Uncle

2004-08-12T06:07:00.000-07:00

I know gals fret about being called auntie, guys too. Not being called auntie lah, but uncle. Man, I'm still young to be called uncle, really I am. Why that cheeky little kid got the audacity to call me that. I'm not bald, no moustache, my face is still quite elastic, quite a cute face somemore (hey, stop vomitting hor), so why? kid: uncle can donate or not? me: oh, ha ha, I think you should call me 'gor gor' not uncle. kid: wah 'gor gor', you very handsome, can donate? me: hahaha, wah you got a sweet tongue hor, here's a dollar. kid: wah 'gor gor', you remind me of Tony leung leh. me: hahaha, $100 enough or not. Come take my spare change as well. Hahaha kid: Thank you very much. Bye bye uncle. me: Ho ha ha, not before I choke you to death first.

Reality TV shows

2004-08-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

Help help, reality shows are invading our tv. Does anyone know how many reality shows are currently showing on tv? Do you want to poll the audience, call a friend or go for 50/50? Where are my 'Frasier', 'Ally McBeal' and many others delightful scripted shows? Chances are, we will see less of them. You see, according to statistic, out of the top 10 shows shown on tv in the US last year, 7 are reality shows. This means network will be allocating more resources and money to them. From what I known, a new reality dating show currently showing in the US comes with a twist. The gorgeous lady whom all the guys are lustily vying for used to be (drum rolls........) a man. Wah lau eh, I tell you the networks are really trying to outdo each other. What are they going to come up with next? Putting priests in an apartment full of playboy models to test their faith? (actually not a bad idea hor). If foreign reality shows are not your cup of tea, there's one currently showing at our own backyard.......... at Joo Chiat. Bring out the claws baby, meow..... P.S: Season 2 of 'eye for a guy' is underway. This time it's a guy, and the man in question is the winner from last season.

G-string

2004-08-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

So there I was, minding my own business and playing my pool when this guy walked over and stood with his back opposite me. As he proceeded to take his shot, he bend down and lo and behold there it was. A wimpsy piece of g-string revealed itself beneath his hipster jean. Wah pian eh, uncle I haven't makan yet leh. I have no problems with girls wearing g-strings (who does?), but guys? Does a piece of g-string has enough material to support your eh... asset? Let say, you went to a pub, you saw some hot chicks and proceeded for some small talk with her. Then the chick started to talk dirty and then certain part of your body underwent certain drastic reaction, and then your g-string snapped. Ho ho ho, all together now, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle all the way, dangling here, dangling there, dangling everywhere. But I bet you don't mind a bit, don't you?

Seize the day

2004-08-03T02:15:00.000-07:00

What do 'The Alchemist, 'Tuesdays with Morrie' and 'The Little Prince' have in common? They makes tons of money, changed the lives of many people (or so we were told by the marketing people) and they preach the same message to its readers, which is "Life is short, seize the day". Do we need any one to tell us that, of course not lah. If there's one thing we excel in, that's 'seize the day' baby. At the buffet, we nudge and seize the last plate of sashimi, in the train, we push and seize whatever seats available, we seize to be the first in line for the NDP tickets and then we seize any money opportunity available by selling that very same ticket on the internet. So the next time some foreigners say to you, "how come you people so kiasu?" You tell them, "wah lau, this is not kiasu, we are just trying to seize the day mah."

The birds and the bees

2004-07-30T02:13:00.000-07:00

When did you learn about the 'birds and the bees'? (why is it called birds and the bees in the first place huh). I learned mine at around 13 back in the days when there's no such thing call the internet and sex education wasn't even taught in school. Any questions regarding sex would warrant 1 good slap from the teacher, 2 good slaps from the parents and cries of pervert/sick bastard (usually along that line) from neighbours. So where did a poor, horny innocent boy turn to? Why his friendly local videos supplier 'uncle x' of course. Uncle x literally welcomed all horny people with open arms, man did I feel appreciated. I got to know uncle x from the monthly flyers he posted in our mailbox. He never fail to come up with interesting titles like 'lust of the mohicans', 'topless gun' etc for his videos. I can tell from his expression/gesture that he genuinely wanted us to learn more about sex by recommending many titles to us(reviews provided). If not for uncle x, I would never have know about the birds and the bees. Too bad I didn't get a chance to thank him, heard he was arrested by the police in a raid. However, once you start to know about the birds and the bees, your thoughts inevitably turned to your parents, and then you cringe, and then you remember about the scene of the dog and bitch making out in the park, and then you think about your parents again, and then you puke. I remembered walking past my parents with a disgusted look and mumbled, 'you filthy filthy disgusting lecherous pair '. It took me quite a while to get over it but my impression of them changed there after. I don't know how sex education is conducted in school now, but if you ever need some help, feel free to contact uncle x, heard he is out and back in business (with a website no less).

Nostalgic schooling days (part 2)

2004-07-29T04:46:00.000-07:00

My secondary school rocks man, well if you happen to be a student. It's a heaven for students I tell you because rules are so lax. It's a boy school(used to) with a less than desirable reputation and worse, it situated next to another reputable boy school. Every once in a while, the discipline master will announce this during morning assembly, ' can the following students from the following class stay back to assist the police in the following case.' For my eca I was in my school badminton team for 4 years, however it resembled more like a leisure activity for senior citizens. You see, we don't really come for any practice sessions, rather we come to chit chat, play a few sets, sign our names and that's it. Heck, I didn't even come for any sessions during my final year, but the school nevertheless credited me as a school player for all 4 years. I love the school i tell you. My school is never good academically. For the annual school ranking excersise if you wanna to search for it, go straight to the section 'the other schools'. It's never ranked in any categories and the tradition continue till this day. But what makes my school so memorable were the teachers. They are really one of a kind. I remember my sec 1 form teacher. She's an indian and look ravishing, it's as though she just step out of a bollywood set. Me and my classmates used to alert each other whenever she crossed her legs. Now now, boys will be boys ok. I looked forward to her class everyday, too bad she taught us only one subject. My sec 2 form teacher was a god send, simply because he used to give tips for the history exam questions he's setting for the school. And i must add, he's very generous with his tips, it went something like these: : Class, i want you to flip to page 23, oooh, I like the part where it talked about how Singapore was founded. Now turn to page 35............. i don't know about you, but i feel a tinkling sensation when i see paragraph 2 and 3. Can we turn to page 53..............man i sure feel horny looking at that whole page. Ok I exaggerate, but you get the idea. Then there's our geography teacher. He wore gold rim spectacle and gold chain and he always excuse himself from class to make phone calls. We suspect him to be speculating in shares because he always spouted the following sentence, ' so how benny, is it performing well, good sell it.' Our PE teacher simply can't be bothered with us. For our PE lessons, he would arrived with 2 balls ( I'm not talking about his, you filthy minds). One basketball and a football and told us to do as we please and that's it. So for 4 whole years, we were playing basketball and football all the time while our PE teacher went to drink kopi. It was a good, stress free and memorable 4 years, can anyone ask for more.

Comics

2004-07-28T05:04:00.000-07:00

You guys know the comic strip 'peanuts' right. Well I have a re-acquaintance with it recently. Back when I was a kid, 'peanuts' to me was a bore. The jokes were so lame and it didn't cracked me up like the rest. I always skipped it when I read the comic section. However, its appeal start to rub on me now that I'm an adult. I don't really know the reasons, you just get a nice feeling reading it. Maybe 'peanuts' is meant to be read by adults after all because it brings you back to your childhood seeing all these kids characters in the strips. There's another comic I read when I was a kid. It's call 'doraemon'. It's a classic japanese comic. If you ask anyone from asia, most will probably have read or know about it. The comic is about a robot cat call doraemon'that arrived from the future and resides in a boy's home. Now doraemon has a pouch that contains all sort of weird gadgets from the future and he and the boy 'da xiong' always get into all types of adventures and troubles using them. One particular episode stood out now that I recall about it. In one story, doraemon has a gadget that can help da xiong, who's not exceptionally bright become smart. The drawback is that he'll lose all memories he had prior to using it. Da xiong in the end decides to forsake the use of the gadget because he can't bear to lose the memories he share with doraemon. Wah, so touching hor. It doesn't really leave an impression on you when you read it as a kid but it takes on a whole new meaning when you are an adult. The two comics have simple plots and stories but they create a lasting appeal on people. Maybe that's why they are called classics.

Balls

2004-07-13T02:54:00.000-07:00

An incident happened on the bus today. The bus I was on was travelling through little india when an indian foreign worker boarded the bus. Now now now, I have nothing against Indians or foreign workers whatsoever, but then this man started to scratch his balls. Frankly speaking I have no problem with this act of his. Being a man, I truly understand his predicament, when your 'buddy' starts to itch, you jolly well scratch it (albeit in a discreet manner lah). However the manner that this man scratched his was like he got damn bloody Big Balls the size of coconuts. Is he trying to prove something to me, why that cheeky bastard. Before everyone start to say I'm envious or jealous, let me state that yours truly is very please with his own 'package', thank you very much. Dear Big Balls, It has been an unforgetable encounter on the bus today. I was left in awe by your public display of manliness. I'm left with absolutely no doubt that you have danm big balls and i'm sure it comes with a pretty sizable family jewel. I'm sure you are proud of what you have and were eager to share your good fortune with the rest of us. But why oh why must you sniffed your hand after using it to scratch your balls?

Nostalgic schooling days (part 1)

2004-07-07T21:51:00.000-07:00

I remember my days in my primary school ( the school no longer exist by the way ) with fond memories, well at least for the last 2 years. It was filled with fun, exicitement and canning, yup capital punishment was widely practiced at that time. My first day in primary school was not memorable though. Being from a dialect speaking family, my english was almost none existent. Worse, my form teacher was an 'ang mo', my first encounter with a foreign species. I still can remember vividly his appearence, he has curly blonde hair and we addressed him as Mr Pereria. Since I can barely understand english, most of the time, I'm clueless of what's going on around me thus I was often scolded but its ok, I didn't understand what he was scolding anyway. Way before the word 'streaming' caused our primary 4 schoolkids to shit in their pants (sometimes parents included), my school was already practising it, I believe we were the pioneer of this horrible system. We were streamed not during primary 4, no no no, we were streamed during primary one. Quiet down everyone, yes your vision are ok, we were indeed streamed in Primary 1 within the class. The student were categorized according to out learning ability. The smart one, moderate one and the stupid one were placed in group A,B and C respectively. Yours truly, due to his linguistic problems, was stucked in C for 3 whole years. To further differentiate the groups, each group was assigned a group colour and we were given colour stickers to paste on our exercise books and textbooks. We were like contestants in 'survivor' each with their own tribe. To top it off, the teacher had the enviable task to 'promote' and 'demote' students at his own whim and fancy throughout the school year. Scenerio: Teacher: Bob, you are demoted. Go join the group of losers Bob: Wah, why? I scored full marks for all my tests what. Teacher: Ha ha ha, you are so naive Bob. Bob: why are you doing this? Teacher: Because you have the cheek to make an unflattering comment about my butt. You are so going down boy!! Bob: NO............... This sort of system does create an unhealthy class system and inferiority complex in students. But I was ok, like I said, I was clueless most of the time. The situation improved when I reached primary 5, where my grasp of the english language was improving. Streaming still exist according to classes and not within classes. It was during these 2 years, that I truly enjoyed my primary school days. For once I like going to school.

Farting

2004-07-06T20:38:00.001-07:00

My dad lurve....... to fart. He can't start his day without a good nice fart. He fart all day, from morning till night, from night till morning, it's an ongoing 24 hours activity. His fart is those noisy odourless type and if he concentrate hard, the fart can last at least 5 seconds. He say that this indicate that his digestive system is working fine. We told him off many times but he retorted by intensifying his farting. If he's in the mood, he'll perform a symphony for us to enjoy. What can I say, the man's a fart king.

Friendship

2004-07-06T05:00:00.000-07:00

Went to someone wedding dinner recently and notice that all his buddies are helping him in everything that night from being the emcee, manning the counter and tending to the guests. What really got my attention are the genuine joy on their faces. They were really feeling happy for him. I have a chat with him and learned that his buddies are friends from his secondary school days. This incident brings me back to an article that i have read a few years ago. In the article, the writer says that frienships forge during your schooling days especially your secondary and junior college days are the one that will last you a life time. I kind of agree with the writer. The writer explains that during this period apart from exams, the majority of us basically lead a carefree life thus everyone has no hidden agenda or motive to befriend each other. In short, the friendship is genuine and innocent. Also the growing up years are the most important phase of your life and to witness and share the experience with close friends kind of cemented the bond. What do you think?

The MRT

2004-07-01T23:12:00.001-07:00

Taking the MRT is always interesting and a challenge. It's such a rich source of material for making a short film. Everyday, especially during the peak hours, you will almost certainly encounter the following groups of people. The first in line are the "Drifters". Imagine standing behing the yellow line waiting for the train. Somewhere, somehow, when you least expected, someone will silently and slowly drift in front of you, making full use of the narrowest space between your feet and the line to mark their territory. Simply awsome man. The authorities should seriously consider recruiting them for special ops missions. The second group are the "Rugby players". I tell you, this group will put the kiwis and springboks to shame with their instinct and quick reaction. Expect a titanic clash everytime the train doors open. The people on the outside and those on the inside will clash and scramble like there's no tommorrow man. Who say we don't have world class sportsmen. Then there's the "Mobile Hi Fi". This group consists mainly of teens and they have a habit of jerking up their volume on their discman to the max man. Consider the following scenerio: Stranger: Hi (signalling to the teen) Teen: wat fuck. Stranger: Do you mind turning down the volume on your discman? Teen: no lah. Stranger: Why not? Teen: you see that hot chick over there. i'm trying to impress her by letting her know wat i'm listening mah. Stranger. I see. Why don't you play some nice songs from west life or richard marx instead. Teen: west your head lah. Stranger: Why? Teen: i'm trying to project an image you twag, a cool image as in LL Cool J. Listening to loser like west watever will spoilt everything man. Chicks digs guys listening to rap and heavy metal i tell you. Stranger: I see. So what are you listening to now. Teen: Who cares. Can you shut your fucking mouth and leave me alone. i'm getting a headache.

welcome abroad

2004-07-01T01:36:00.000-07:00

system testing 1,2,3......